Celebrity Acid Test – Film Edition

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In recent years our culture has begun to experience an ever increasing attitude of division that often culminates in vitriol. Opinions no longer are representative of passing thoughts, but of self, of entire identity. The press has done little to alleviate this problem, often the converse, fomenting ridged divisions with microwave or even purple journalism. Unfortunately, often caught in the crosshairs, nay the very heart of such divisive opinions are individuals that are nothing but deserving of praise. Our film stars. These selfless angels who take time away from family and the responsibilities of “basic” life to provide for us; to giveth unto us the good times, are often targets for venomous, acidic, diatribe.

Yet, they keep giving. What kindness. It was with this in mind, that we at The Superb began to question if these individuals are made of stronger stuff. So we assembled four personalities from the world of film and tested them against various acids to see just how indestructible they really are. Our panel consist of Macaulay Culkin, Helen Hunt, Greg Kinnear, Cuba Gooding Jr. (Note: We realize three of these individuals starred in the film As Good as It Gets further cementing our earlier point of actors being superior minds, as they had same inclination to sign on to said film)

Test 1 – Words

We started by reading the worst reviews we could find to the stars, though not necessarily works the actors themselves were featured in. We realized our error later may have contributed to the nonplussed reactions, but for thoroughness sake said reactions have still been included.

Culkin – After reading half of one review for The Crow, perhaps sarcastically  made his iconic oh no face. then knocked the rest of the articles off his given desk.

Hunt – Ever the pro, Hunt talked about what an honor it would be to work with Brandon Lee, and that she looked forward to the opportunity should it ever arise.

Kinnear – He kept mumbling something about how he should’ve said yes to Birdman

Gooding Jr. – The most stoic response, in that he didn’t speak. When we went to claim the packet of reviews it had gone missing, with Cuba only shrugging when asked about its whereabouts.

Test 2 – Milk

Next we raised the acidity level by introducing milk. We set out a glass of milk with a tear dropper to administer droplets.

Culkin – First flippantly asking if we “Think I’m a Cat Bro?” Culkins attitude soon changed after the milk droplets were administered and his hand turned a sort of sea green. He repeated his iconic visage once again though this seemed to be in earnest

Hunt – She repeatedly suggested that the producer of this milk was the best she had ever worked with, including the Twister cow.

Kinnear – Asked if we thought the Academy would pay attention to a script about a down on his luck dairy farmer

Gooding Jr.- Again when approached to administer the test we found Mr. Gooding Jr’s glass empty. While he was responseless we did notice a thin white mustache like formation above his upper lip.

Test 3 – Battery Acid

We couldn’t figure out how to extract the acid from the batteries (D cells) so we settled for lobbing them at our panel

Culkin – Still concerned about his gross hand, he tried to dodge the best he could. He kept shouting something about needing to get to the ER

Hunt – She took every battery with a malaise that frankly made us here at The Superb uncomfortable. Then said “Sometimes that’s what it is for a woman in this business” We all promptly called our mothers.

Kinnear – Started pitching an Energizer biopic to us. We stressed that we could not greenlight anything. Kinnear insisted we had to know at least the Hulu guys.

Gooding Jr. – Again saying nothing, Cuba caught every battery hurled at him. Curiously upon catching one he would rush his hand over his mouth. Again we were unable to retrieve our batteries.

Test 4 – Sulfuric Acid

Similar to the milk test; for brevity we’ve compiled the first three responses.

Culkin, Hunt, Kinnear – OWWWWIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

Gooding Jr. – Stoic as always Cuba again had nothing in his beaker when approached. He did provide us however with a hearty belch.

And so our panel exited the test nary worse off than they started. Diamond these individuals are not only in value, but in indomitableness of spirit and body. Truly an example we should all strive to follow. Those of the Hollywood Elite. Culkin did pass out for 37 minutes and woke in a sweat clammering about some coming evil or something. Absolutely marvelous. Lesser folks, non on-screenies if you will, would crumble entirely when subjected to this very scientific yet distressing trial. Not these four. May we always be thankful for our On-Screenies and seek to shower them with tiny kisses.

 

 

 

 

2 Chainz Goes Shopping

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2 Chainz stared in amazement.

“We can tell you like what you see” the worker chirped enthusiastically

Chainz snorted. “See”. This was an experience, not limited to mere sight. Never had a thing tickled every sense the way this one small item was doing currently. Never in all his journeys,  various dalliances, or meticulous decadence hunting had he happened on anything that assaulted his pleasure center the way this artifact of happiness was right now. He could smell vanilla. Chainz had never been happier he walked into a Claires.

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A Guy Gets a Package

He was the most excited he’d been in ages. The sun seemed brighter. He grabbed the package off his doorstep. It was finally here. He couldn’t run fast enough to his kitchen table. His box cutter already there. It had been waiting there for six to eight weeks. He opened the box. He pulled out it’s contents carefully. He ran his hand over the plastic casing. Finally his collection was complete. This had been the hardest one to get. So many botched attempts, but now it was his. All his. He opened the case…”Noooo” he cried out. He shook the casing in disbelief. Nothing came out. Nothing was there. He buried his hands in his face and wept. It was empty. His fourth season DVD case of Moesha was empty. Outside he could hear rain.