Charles: I offer you the opportunity to buckle up, audience. Cause, it’s time for the best take on the net. It’s “Roundtables”
(The opening stinger is the sound of 14 french horns playing different melodies simultaneously as a smart take on how much the internet is.)
Charles: Alright, Ladies and Sperms! It’s time for the smartest minds on the neter-stry to give their take on what’s fresh web-side. TO-night, it’s: How Do You Go Meme? Lot’s of folks out there in the region know they have viral content just ready to spread like cinnamon butter on so many bread-minds. But, they may beg the question: just how do I animate my dreams into 30 second video clips, doc? You’re gonna find out a lot about us and yourselves this evening. Alright, turning to our left here we’ve got Dr. Shreves from the zoneload.com.
Shreves: Thanks for asking, Charles. At Zoneload, we are always looking for talented voices. And by talented voices, I mean animals getting harmed in some way. If it isn’t a drunk guy backing his RAV 4 into a reptile enclosure, it’s an endangered Giant Panda getting lost inside a building and ultimately falling down some stairs. The point is that animals are like weird versions of people and it’s about celebrating those moments that make you say: “Uh oh!” Memetastic and also… MEME LIKEY!!!
Charles: As far as takes go, I just burnt my handles on it cause EW BABY THAT’S A HOT ONE! I’ve actually noticed myself trying to get more involved with environment since I’ve started this career. That’s why I regularly fly a Bowing 747 over southern Africa and throw raw meat out the door. Now over to Dr. Twinds from smartexplain.com
Twinds: Every body out there knows the thrill of learning a science in less than a minute and then explaining it to your opposite gendered office manager in the brake room as if you have been performing arduous scientific research in your spare time when really you saw me telling you that Roos got pouches. So, first rule of making your viral vid is: What am I teaching America? If it is some quasi-science thing like all bugs are constantly contending with rigor mortis and that’s why they are all crunchy, then yes. Do that. Or like apples are actually tree poops, then you nailed it. Look for that.
Charles: I’m responding to that observation faster than I can to my own wife. I have actually seen some dead bodies before and I accidentally thought giant bugs exist. Thank the heaven man I did not employ the giant fly swatter that I have ready for just such an occasion. Okay, onto you Dr. Risque from risque.biz
Risque: I place the spotlight on family oriented content that can be modified later to be taken outside the insanely boring confines of family life. Such as Donkey from Shrek asking where the nearest strip club is or the snowman from Frozen wanting to be made into a special snow cone with non-family beverage in it. The point is that family things need to be taken to a depraved area where we can be free to explore our non-family identities. BACK TO YOU MOUTH.
Charles: Yes. I need to see “when you finally get it” beneath a picture of Woody making a face. That’s really hitting the areas for me. Memes are the new Calvin peeing on a car company logo. Alright, we are now going to get a massive sermon on internet from our mystering guest: Dr. Spanish from show-me-alls.coin
Spanish: I request silence! The others have played into the hands of the internati and the webleetists! Those are played out and boring concepts and I demand something straight off the counter! I don’t care how easy or pointless it is! It needs to be NOW! Hear me, you saggy drabs! First, gimme something that doesn’t even explain it’s own premise. Like, I just want it to be a baby stuck inside one of those bouncy ball containers in Walmart and you can kind of see it’s face and then suddenly something violently drags it towards God knows where and then you hear people laughing. Or, okay! How about an old lady yelling the N-Word inside a bank? Or how about someone who has won a contest to be invited to the red carpet premiere of some movie and he prepares a sandwich that secretly has industrial grade staples and carpet bindings inside and then the guy throws the entire sandwich in John Stamos’s face? Or how about a woman in a wedding dress running from the altar by being carried away by a dude wearing a Tetris block costume? Listen, I could go all day and I do. Because that is what is internet. The point is that I can have anything in any combination at any point and it makes me powerful to have access to that. There is no turning back. We have to embrace it like Tyga embracing terminal children… publicly! Otherwise, we have nothing. If I fall in the forest and no one is there to see me then do I make a sound? If you don’t hear me, I AM NOTHINNNGNNGNGNNGNG!!! CHARLES!!!!
Charles: That ends Roundtables.
– The Superb