We live in dark times. Crime is rampant, moral values has dropped to astonishing degree, celebrity has become more valuable than ability and goodness, dark prophecies of the return of fierce ancient gods has hit a fever pitch, and all the dogs are disappearing. Explanations for this phenomenon have varied from the ride of the Garth Brooks clan to the lack of quality dog meats in American grocery stores to allow them to hit ideal mating temperatures for breeders. While this development is disturbing and saddening to many, one company has a different message.
“Listen, dogs had their chance, and they blew it.” states Johnny Johnstackio, CEO of B’Tasty Inc from the stage of their press conference held in the John Ritter Memorial Colosseum. “Wastin’ all that time sleepin’ around on a towel or whatever, chasing mailmen or somethin’. What did they give back to society? Nadda nuthin BADA BOOM!”. At this point, he gestures wildly and his cufflinks fly off of his sleeve and hit a reporter in the eye.
“Which is why myself and a bunch of these jamokes over here at Briejcorp, we started looking at this and saying to ourselves ‘Guys, there is a tremendous opportunity to make some money and bring happiness to everyone across the Earth. But…MORE THAN THAT…stick it to those dogs…”
At this Johnstackio turns in a grand sweeping gesture to the video wall behind him with a picture of an Italian sub on it with a collar and leash attached.
“Ladies and gentlemen and good ol’ Italian pasta big boys..”, he points to several large Italian men in the audience chuckling , patting their stomachs in anticipation and straightening their sleeves, “On behalf on of B’Tasty Inc, a subsidiary of Briejcorp and Creton-Foucher Pharmaceuticals…The Omnisandwich – JUST LIKE MA USED TO DO.” The audience gasps and the sound of digital shutter releases all out of sync becomes a deafening roar.
“Dis guy right here is not only gonna change your life, it’s gonna rip a great big hole right in reality itself.” Johnstackio waves one of their participants onto the stage: a blonde haired girl in her mid-twenties holding a leash on what is most definitely a floating sandwich. the sandwich is wearing a vest around it’s baguette that says RIP DOGS.
“LOOK AT THAT! WHAT FRIGGIN’ DOG COULD DO THAT?! You show me a dog who can float and be a sandwich better than dis guy right here (at this point, Dis Guy Right Here appeared on screen as copyrighted logo), I’ll kick you friggin’ teeth in, capiche?”. He does the thing where he puts his fingers together and holds them up. He has established an understanding with the audience.
“So, yeah, dis girl right here (logo appears again) is walking what appears to be a sandwich, would it not?”. A “YES” sign directly above the stage illuminates brightly and everyone in the audience simultaneously, at least to the best of our ability, says “YES”, especially after he did the fingers thing. We don’t want to let him down. “Dis guy right here (logo) is using what’s called a zero-point energy field to manipulate the field of reality around him. You see, dis here sandwich isn’t actually moving. It’s we who are moving around it.” At this point, the audience gasps simultaneously and reaches under their seats for their own Omnisandwich. They have been trained to expect gifts under their seats, but they are sorely disappointed.
“But hold on, dis guy is also…”, he picks up the sandwich, it struggling in his grip but he managing to get the mastery over it and chomping down on the end of it with an audible crunch, “…one mean moffa of ma sammich”, he says, sentient salami and vinaigrette dripping down his double chin. Suddenly, a deep scream erupts from the sandwich, shaking the lights above. Johnstackio is looking up at the lights in bewilderment, and looks backstage at the personnel. Faintly, you can hear their voices, but it’s only Johnstackio, who is still mic’d, who comes through with a loud and puzzled “Don’t eat it? What the frig not? It’s a dam….”.
Johnstackio stops dead and a look of absolutely horror comes across his face as his gaze drops to the floor. He places his hands on his knees, and bends over as if he was going to vomit. A voice comes over the PA system that is not his own. “Ladies and gentlemen, the B’Tasty Press Conference has ended. We thank you for your participation and ask that you please head to the exits in a calm and orderly fashion. Remember to always B’Tasty!”.
As we exited, we hear a cry of anguish erupt from Johnstackio. Those who looked back could see no more than a silhouette of a man who had quite possibly bitten off way more than he could chew.
REVIEW: While B’Tasty’s Omnisandwich reveal left us with more questions than answers, the reveal was undoubtedly a hint of a game changer. This reporter is lining up day one for his own Omnisandwich. 4/5