Walk into any grocery store’s chip aisle and you may see a familiar, unmistakable silhouette. That’s right, a likely approximation of Garth Brook’s body shape on that bag of Fritos corn chips you’re buying. What you’re seeing is the culmination of nearly 20 years of agonizing hard work and dedication to Garth’s craft.
“I’ve been after that coveted Frito bag since I stated playing honky tonks in Tulsa. All of my heroes had made it there. Who doesn’t remember Hank Williams on Barbecue or Willie Nelson on Big Scoops. Those were my idols, still are, and if I couldn’t get on that Frito bag, what’s been the point of any of this.”
Garth, or “g” as he is known these days, has been lobbying hard for the esteemed front of the bag for over 2 decades. Fans of his will remember times at his shows when he would stop the show to call Frito-Lay headquarters on a phone and have everyone in the audience scream “we want g for Fritos” over and over again.
“These calls happened nearly 3 times a week.” says Henry Polcheck, head of marketing for Frito-Lay. “Long voicemails of indecipherable mob screaming. For a while, we thought were being haunted, but no, it was just Garth, coercing his fans into chanting a phrase over and over again into a Panasonic handheld phone on a stage. They would do this for hours and hours. Sometimes, he would refuse to play them music until he felt the message was appropriately delivered. But they loved him for it.” And that was true. His fans nevertheless wavered in their support for Garth and his passion.
“If g wants it, it must be so.” says Jimmy Lovell, leader of the Garth Brooks fan club, g Force. “What he’s given us as a people is so tremendous and beautiful, if anyone deserves to be vaguely represented on a chip bag, it’s him. Garth Brooks taught me to live. I had my first religious experience watching the video for The Thunder Rolls. That’s when I realized that this world is not what anyone thinks it is and that there are old and angry gods waiting to lay waste to it, and enslave us for their amusement. Once Garth opened it up to me, I was so appreciative to be set free from the imaginary Puritanical shackles, giving in to pure anarchy and ill-fitting cowboy boots, that the only way to properly convey our appreciation is to spread the Garth message far and wide, and the best way of doing that is by putting a body very similar to his on corn chip bags that will be seen in every Sunoco from here to Orlando for a limited time only.”
Garth is often baffled by his extreme fan devotion. “Haha, yeah those guys, I dunno know what they think I’m all about. They’ve always got these shrines up at my concerts and try to sacrifice things there. They keep telling me I’m a herald. I don’t know about that, man. I just want to see what I can safely assume is my body lit from the back on a bag of chips in my cupboard. I want to know what my heroes felt like when they would walk up to someone who’s casually eating a Rueben at a Rueben party holding a bag with themselves on it. I just can’t fathom it.”
But it may shock some to here that Garth has come close to being on a bag before. “Right after my cover of Shameless, Frito-Lay offered me the Doritos bag, which I would have taken, but they explained to me that if I took the Doritos, I could never qualify for the Fritos bag. That was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I passed up the Doritos, and they gave it to Tracy Lawrence, but I think he’s singing in a church somewhere in Atlanta now or something, so we see where that got him.”
Garth had another brush with Fritos when they offered him the role off permenant spokesman for Fritos Racerz, racecar-shaped Fritos that eventually became Flavor Twists. “I was extremely excited at first, but as I thought about it more, I decided to hold out for the regular bag, and good thing I did!”.
“We offered to give him Racerz after his “g force” murdered a bunch of stray dogs on our building.” explains Polcheck. “The chips originally intended to feature Jeff Gordon, but at a certain point, the safety of our employees became a serious concern. Jeff Gordon’s people were only killing themselves in their own homes. So, we offered it to Garth, who did consider it, but decided to pass since a race car isn’t a guitar and he hasn’t figured out a way to ride his guitar yet.”
Despite all of these setbacks, Brooks has finally achieved his dream, and so has his fan club.
“IT IS FINALLY DONE! WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IT! THE HERALD HAS STRUCK FORTH! FEAR FOR THE COMING YEAR WHEN ALL WILL FALL! COME GORG! COME JEEIRB! PLAY STANDING OUTSIDE THE FIRE! WOOOOO!”. screamed Lovell as he shook three dogs in one hand at Garth Brooks during a concert right after the release of Brooks-branded Fritos. His g Force group has expanded by leaps since Garth made the bag, as this figures prominently into their prophetic message they have been sharing for the 12 years they have been functional. Now, half of his concerts are full of shirtless, dog-mad individuals who have formed a cult around this simple Oklahoma boy.
“Yeah, the shows are getting weird since the bag came out.”, Garth admitted at his show, kicking away a bag of Fritos stuffed with bloody meat of some sort. “I don’t know what to do about it, but I tell you what, this ain’t going stop me from enjoying this moment. I finally did it, guys!”.
THE BATTLE FOR THE WORLD STONE BEGINS