This morning, Nintendo unveiled the Switch, their new home and portable console, which had been developed under the codename NX for over a year. A 3-minute trailer was released this morning that gave us a very good idea of the capabilities of their new machine.
What do we know about the new console? Let’s break it down!:
1: Nintendo wants you to ignore your pets
While Nintendo has encouraged players to get out and be active for a number of years, and this sentiment seems to carry over to the Switch’s design, it’s never stated it position on pets. It just did: “They’re stupid and they’ll get in the way of your gaming, so we’re letting you take Zelda with you to the park so you can put up with this stupid huge slobber beast a little longer until your wife gets over this baby thing. He doesn’t want you to have fun. She doesn’t want you to have fun. Don’t let them win.”
Don’t let them win.
2: The Switch allows you to safely approach cute blondes on the floor at the airport
Normally, if you were to see a cute blonde sitting on the floor of an airport playing a game, you would steer a wide berth, as this is likely bait set by an old-timey fur trapper. They will often use a mannequin in a blonde wig to draw unsuspecting men in the path of a log spike pendulum suspended 30ft up from the rafters.
These men often lurk around airports and are on the prowl for the skin of a 26-year old sexually active male to use in their man suits they are so fond of. But the Switch contains a small chip inside that emits an imperceptible whine which only those who have tasted the flesh of man can hear.
3: Switch is an addictive drug that will tear you away from everything you love
Wow, guy! That girl was pretty cute! You still in shock that she gave you her number, AND that you got out of there with your skin still on your body is a HUGE plus. Also, she’s on the same flight as you…hey hey, who knows what could happen, huh? Well, I guess you’ve got plenty to be excited about during your…
Oh…okay…well, I guess it is a pretty long flight across country and you don’t want to wear out your welcome with her just yet. Okay, cool, I get it. So…I guess you’ll be playing some more, huh?
Looks like you’re getting yourself all set up there, chief.
Whew! Long flight! You really hammered on Skyrim huh? 5 straight hours with no bathroom breaks or any break really. You know, champ, I think you may have been a little rude to that flight attendant when she offered you free booze and you kinda….hissed at her? Not sure what that was, but the blonde sure heard it. Oh yeah, she traded seats with the lady in front of you and she sat there the whole time, trying to talk to you. You just kept making these guttural whines and growls at the screen. She looked a little disappointed about giving up her window seat for that…oh well, c’est la vie.
But hey, you made it back! It’s going to be nice to see some familiar sights again, give your eyes a break from…
Seriously? This again. Guy, this game is over 5 years old. You’ve played through it once on PS3. No one cares. You’re looking at it like you’ve never seen a screen before. Fine, just….promise me when you get home that you’re going to give it a rest, get a shower because you’re sweating profusely for some reason, and get ready to hit the town, baby!
Alright! Now just throw that crack box in its charger because I don’t know how it’s lasted this long, and it’s also incredibly hot, so you might need to give the thing a break.
And now we’re heading to the shower and…
Whoa whoa whoa, pal. What do you think…
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You’ve been playing this game since 6 this morning! STOP! Why are you sitting like that?! Put your hands down! No one sits like that and holds the controller that high up! You don’t have to do that, it doesn’t need elevation to connect! Stop it!!!
You’re lost. You’re gone. Whatever, man. You deserve loneliness. Oh also, your cat is coming with me. You don’t feed him anymore, so he’s trying to eat the linoleum floor.
4: Nintendo making a real-life Mario Kart
Is it any coincidence that these brochachos are playing Mario Kart in a disgusting 70’s predator van while heading to an indoor go-kart course? I think not.
Clearly, Nintendo has been working on this for years, since it is the dream of every 30-year old American male to throw the dead terrapin carcass at someone’s head going around 55 mph. And from this footage, those guys are definitely going fast enough to justify wearing a helmet. Why? Well, tell me how it feels when you take a snapping turtle corpse to the face while managing a sick drift. That’s what I thought.
5: The Health Sensor is not coming
The long awaited and much discussed Health Sensor is not coming and the most damning piece of evidence pointing to this is the fact that these seemingly active, physically gifted men give up playing basketball AFTER ONE POINT.
We believe this presents the future Nintendo wants. People have given up completely on physical activity, viewing it more as a humorous novelty like bowling or flying a kite. Do it once for laughs and then let’s get to the real good stuff: A last gen basketball game with a commentator screaming at full volume “HANSON” and then getting abruptly cut off.
6: Switch will cause players to develop the mental and social aptitude of the Eloi from HG Wells “The Time Machine”
Switch will have such a profound effect on it’s players that they will behave as if they have never seen technology before, staring at it with wide-eyed marvel.
They will believe to live in a metropolitan version of Wells’ dystopia, living in close proximity to each other, gathering together in the daytime for roof top gatherings to avoid the mutant crabs feasting below, which are just the homeless.
They will become so enraptured with this new magic presented to them by their most elfen sister that they will forget the time of day and will slowly be picked off by the Morlocks, which is just homeless Jeremy Irons*.
“But, shouldn’t the Switch repel Morlock Jeremy Irons since he has consumed the flesh of a man.”
Well, reader, you must think you’re pretty smart, huh? Wrong! You are not.
The Switch is actually so revolutionary that it will cause all humans to become addicted to Switch, leading them to abandon the companionship of females and the masculine joys of team sports, resulting in the collapse of the civilization as we know it. Nintendo go-karting sweeps the nation as well, as a separate thing, accelerating the process of global warming and destroying most life on planet Earth for centuries. The remaining humans, few as they are, continue to eek out a miserable existence on the harsh surface of the planet, eventually evolving into the branching Eloi and Morlock species, and they will live in the ruins of Manhattan, then called Myf. The elfin one’s father will find the Switch preserved in an airtight PAX East case from the 2017. He’ll bring it home to his daughter, but unfortunately, he will be consumed by Jeremy Irons, who will have just become the Morlock King as Simon Wells has fated him to do, leaving the Switch to his daughter. But, here’s the crucial detail: Upon consuming the elfin’s father, Jeremy Irons chokes on the plastic blank cartridge that fills the slot on the Switch that the father had in his hand to jab at Jeremy Irons and attempted to protect himself with, which Jeremy Irons after confused for an after-Eloi Andes mint. This leads to him being replaced by his Eragon stunt double, Akos Schenek, who is a strictly vegan Morlock.
“But you said it WAS homeless Jeremy Irons.” Yes, I did. How pushy and presumptuous you’ve turned out to be. You may have noticed an asterisk next to the name. In the endnote of this article, you will see that I plainly state that this was not the real or fake Jeremy Irons, but Homeless Jeremy Irons, a popular Eloi indie band who also pray upon unsuspecting Eloi after dark. But, instead of eating them, they playfully rip any remaining hair off of the bodies of the rather hairless Eloi and use their fine boy hair to create bioluminescent beards. Have I told you that the Eloi are bioluminescent?
7: Switch will allow white Americans finally become a legitimate competitor to Koreans in E-sports
After years of being kinda okay at e-sports, white Americans will have a legitimate edge in the fast growing e-sports realm. It is only by means of the Switch that this could have possib-
*Homeless Jeremy Irons is actually the future Williamsburg indie band of the same name.
- -The Superb