Heyo, chichos and chiclets (is that racist anymore?). Vacation Dad is back, and boy, do I have some hot new deals for you! Yes, I know it’s been a while, and yes, I’m not much a dad these days on my vacations since my wife got full custody in the divorce, but you know what, that doesn’t mean that I can’t plan my trips around theirs and make sure I’m in the same place as them so that I can keep an eye on that wandering wife of mine. Turns out she “decided” to go to Panama City Beach, Florida this year and stay with her “friend” and not take the “kids”. So, get ready for the best deals in the panhandle!
Rodeway Inn – Dothan, AL
Stopped at this fine establishment after tailing the wife most of yesterday. She opted for the nicer Holiday Inn across the street, and to maintain my cover and also my extremely tight budget, I opted for the Rodeway just past the Bojangles. The manager cut me quite a substantial deal for being willing to stay in a room infested with bed bugs that they hadn’t got around to bombing yet, so ol’ V-Dad got himself a 25% discount. Guess someone’s getting Bojangles in the morning, though I don’t do much sleeping these days on account of the rituals.
Pro-Tip: It’s a little known fact that the complimentary shampoo doubles as toothpaste. Sure, it foams like crazy, but your teeth have never felt so silky and smooth!
Rodeway Inn – Panama City Beach, FL
Once we got into PCB proper, or “Partytime Central” as the cartoon map I picked up at Publix called it, I once again choose to stay at the fine Rodeway Inn establishment. Unfortunately, upon mentioning the “Manager’s Special” I received nothing but blank stares from the overweight, and frankly, useless manager, staring at me with her big, dumb cow eyes, lacking any intelligent thought. I don’t blame this on the Rodeway Inn franchise; this seems to be more of a local issue. I couldn’t afford to stay at the Rodeway the entire week, so I used the opportunity to stock up on useful supplies during my patented V-Dad Prowls. Standard equipment, really: shower curtains, butter knives from the employee lounge, a fire axe, free Diet Pepsi from the vending machine with a fire axe in it. Let me tell ya, guys…when the Fetching Time has come and the Golden have all but been wasted from this planet, head to your nearest Rodeway Inn and stock up!
Pro-Tip: The ancient brown ground cover that used to be carpet has an uncanny way of covering and absorbing large blood stains! Wow!
Undisclosed abandoned beach house – Florida
Guys, sometimes a V-Dad’s gotta keep some things to himself, so unfortunately, I can’t give you the address due to some almost certain legal issues that will eventually overwhelm me. I managed to find this little gem on one of my stake-outs while she visited one of her “friends” in a large, obscenely large house that sits right on the water. And waddyaknow, it has a clear view of the front door! Once I chased out the drug-riddled teenagers and one absolutely insane baby that has to be on speed or something who would not stop running into things, I got myself set up in one of the rooms (though the walls are all knocked down, so it’s really just one big room. Thanks, Speed Baby), got myself a chair and I’m just waiting. I picked up some CDs at the Pilot station on the way to keep the near constant roaring in my head down to a manageable shriek, and let me tell you, when you are so close to the ocean that you can almost see it through the windows in your neighbors house across the street, her “friend”‘s house, those roars start to feel a little more manageable. I don’t know if it’s the stress pouring off of me or my proximity to one of the Underwater Alter Gates scattered across the Gulf, but I feel really good, like I haven’t in a long, long time. You see, my wife just needs to see Them. I’ll calmly and quietly prod her with this oyster shucker I found outside and ask her to join me and when she does, she will totally understand why I’ve been so distant and stabby lately. I’m sure she won’t approve of what I’ll have to do that cow-eyed waste I have tied-up in the corner, but hey, to make an omelette, you’ve gotta brutally murder someone in the name of an ancient fish deity called Jeeirb.
Pro-Tip: Make sure you have at least an acre of available ground around you stalking/murder hut/Jeerib altar. You’ll want it for proper body disposal, and love it for alternative parking options!