After months of deliberation and countless interviews behind a Publix in Florida, we’ve finally settled on a face to represent our fine writing establishment. Ladies and gentleman, we’re proud to present…
Folks, he may not look like much. Perhaps many of you were expecting a character similar to My Old Kentucky Blog’s Confederate Hipster General Ben Schwartz, or The Onion’s Enthusiastic Sack of Quarters. While Grandpa Fanny may lack the contemporary edge and youthful vigor of these mascots, he brings years of wisdom and experience to the table, giving us an air of authority that we just decided we needed just now. What does Fanny offer? Let me tell you:
1. He’s always picking things up
We’ve never met a man so determined to keep the immediate area around him free of clutter. It might by a compulsive disorder, maybe he’s just bored, we don’t know. The other day, he attempted to pick up jelly from the ground with his fingers and throw it in the bushes. While ultimately, and quite obviously, a fruitless endeavor, we still were on-board with his green thinking.
2. He never settles
We discovered Fanny after he stopped his pick-up in the middle of a Nebraska state route after hearing The Band’s “Take A Load Off”. Hearing his name through his truck speakers sent him into an existential panic and desire to “take a load off.” As he walked from Nebraska to Panama City Beach, Florida in an effort to find a spot to ease his load, he experienced many pleasures and pains in the forms of eating a taco for the first time and having his spleen caught in a shopping cart. Despite these, his eye was clear set on PCB, and when he finally found the one lounger by a swimming pool at Gulf Crest Condos and allowed his load to be taken off, he exhaled for 17 minutes straight. We love you, Fanny!
3. He apparently is part Cherokee
Grandpa Fanny keeps talking about this to us, and even though we have our doubts, he seems pretty convinced about it. He went digging through a dumpster for arrowheads and kept talking about the pride he has for the land. While we’re pretty sure he has not an once of Cherokee blood, we respect a man with a belief system as strong as his!
Congratulations, Grandpa Fanny!