The MonArchs: Matthew McConaughey’s hidden talent

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You know him from the Lincoln commercials, but even Matthew McConaughey’s most avid fans are mostly unaware of his interest in architecture. While most of Matt’s time these days is taken up by his film career and associated activities, he actually has a real knack for design which is made apparent by the active role he took in the composition of his $12,000,000 mansion located just outside Austin TX. This week, we go for a tour…

Front/Aerial view:

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Talk about a great first impression. Just imagine pulling up to this beauty every day after work. The enclosed exterior walkways really speak to Matt’s appreciation for Romanesque architecture.

View from rear yard:

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Here’s another shot from around back. I’m actually a huge fan of the turrets, and the landscaping accentuates them quite nicely. Nicely done Matt!

Let’s take a peak inside, shall we?

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Wow. Now that’s a living room. It must have taken the trim carpenters ages to craft all of the door casings and wall trim to Matt’s exact specifications. It really makes for a breathtaking effect. And just look at that chandelier!

Kitchen:

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Now that’s an awesome kitchen. The cherry cabinets and granite tops have a very traditional and inviting look to them. It’s also well equipped with an over-sized range and dual wall ovens. Very impressive!

While we can’t all enjoy luxury at this level, Matt’s estate is a real inspiration for design enthusiasts at all levels and I hope that he continues to explore this hidden talent. You can really learn a lot about a person by taking a look inside their home! I hope you enjoyed the tour as much as I did.

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The Superb Presents: Where is Ronald McDonald?

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When was the last time you saw Ronald McDonald? What was the last commercial or print you recall with his maudlin painted expressions? It may surprise you when you realize Ronald has been out of the public eye for a little while.

There are many explanations that have been offered as to why the Clown Prince of Cheeseburgers has been quiet as of late. Some of these have been offered by McDonald’s itself.

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Other potential reasons that have been suggested is McDonald’s effort to distance itself from it’s appearance of being an evil corporation who uses a child-friendly character to doomed children to a life of obesity and horrible eating habits.

Not satisfied with mere theories, we went on a hunt to find Ronald and get it straight from the clown mouth.

 

Part 1: Down to Clown

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When we contacted McDonald’s representatives on multiple occasions, we received the same answer every time, which was a repeat of the above CNN article, almost verbatim. This was done on 36 separate occasions. After this, we changed our tactic when calling. Instead of asking about the reason for Ronald’s disappearance, we began asking for Ronald himself. This seemed to the throw the support employees for a loop as it veered so wildly off of their normal script, aside from perhaps some pages in the back that dealt with scenarios in which a child would call in. After several unprepared but still canned responses from the support staff at the call center for the Golden Arches, we received an interesting response. We have posted the following discussion word-for-word as it happened on the phone.

McDonald’s Corporate Call Center: “McDonald’s Call Center, this is Rob, how can I help you?

The Superb: “Yes, this is A with The Superb. We would like to know where Ronald McDonald lives.

McDonald’s: (pause) Why would you want to know that?

The Superb: We would like to ask him some questions regarding his absence in recent advertising.

(At this point with every other operator, we would begin to receive the same response that basically asserted that Ronald was not a real person, but a corporate entity used in advertisement, effectively ending our conversation. It was here that this conversation diverted.)

McDonald’s: (pause, mixed with some background noises) Why do you keep calling here?

The Superb: Because we feel the people deserve to know the truth. The reasons given by your corporation are not satisfying.

McDonald’s: To who?

The Superb: What do you mean?

McDonald’s: Who are you asserting our answers are not satisfying for?

The Superb: Well, we represent the people, so we feel that we are speaking fo-

McDonald’s: Whoa, whoa, let me stop you right there, Mr. W. We have see-

The Superb: How do you know my name?

McDonald’s: I don’t have to answer that question, but it should be obvious since you have been hounding us relentlessly about Ronald. You don’t think we look into cases like this? We’re a worldwide corporation. We have resources. Now, let me tell you something, pal. You DO NOT represent the interests of the people, okay? We’ve seen your little blog you run. You have something like 80 followers or something.

The Superb: 81

McDonald’s: What?

The Superb: We have 81 followers, as of 10/29, to be accurate, sir.

McDonald’s: Do you know how many people ate at our restaurant across the world yesterday?

The Superb: Well, according to an article published by thefiscaltimes.com, you serve approximately 68 million people daily.

McDonald’s: Yeah. We’ve got more followers than most churches do, okay? So you need to let go of this whole idea that you’re going to create a story out of this and get any traction whatsoever, you understand me?

The Superb: Well, sir, you do realize that by answering in the the way you just did, you yourself have made a story out of this?

McDonald’s: (sound of fabric brushing against phone receiver) Listen to me, pal. I am not your enemy. I am saying this out of kindness for my fellow man….DROP THIS NOW. I know this may seem sensational or like something newsworthy, but don’t you think for a second that you are the first person to come snooping around here about this. Much larger, much more powerful people have contacted us about this and we gave them the same response we’re giving you. There is nothing more to this that what we have stated.

The Superb: Then why are you looking up my information?

McDonald’s: What?

The Superb: I said why are you looking up my information if you have nothing to hide?

McDonald’s: (Pause, followed by strange acoustical changes in the phone call. Much more reverb is introduced, suggesting a change in environment on the other end, as if the McDonald’s employee just walked into a large cave system. Also, it has been noted upon repeat replays that the sound of the man’s voice seems to have changed enough to suggest someone else was on the phone for the final part of the conversation) Yes.

The Superb: Oh…Yes, who is this?

McDonald’s: (pause, along with sounds in the distant background that resemble objects being thrown down a stairwell) Yeees.

The Superb: What is this? Who am I talking to?

McDonald’s: (Pause, followed by several clicks) I know which one you are from.

The Superb: I don’t know what that means. Could you explain that?

McDonald’s: (Pause, followed by several clicks and the immediate disappearance of the reverb) ...SIR! Are you hearing me? (Rob was back, and the creepy ambiance was gone).

The Superb: Hello? 

McDonald’s: Yes! Sir, I am trying to tell you that if you could please leave Ronald alone, he would appreciate that. He’s trying to get some rest out in Santa Martinez, California, and it would be impolite to disturb him.

The Superb: (Pause) Yes, absolutely.

McDonald’s: Have a good day, sir.

(End of call)

As you can see, there are many things that are curious about this call. Why did the support staff choose to handle this particular call of mine in an unorthodox way? Why was it Rob? Who in the world was that talking to me in the middle of the conversation? What did he mean by saying he knew “which one” I was from? And why did Rob suddenly willingly, and suspiciously vomit valuable information into the whereabouts of Ronald?

Santa Martinez held the answer.

 

To be continued…

 

 

3 Human Races I Just Came Up With & What I Don’t Like About Them

Cuppies

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  • I would venture to tell you that I was waiting behind one for a machine at the gym, if they were real, and he benched just a lot of weight but with like two reps. And he yelled: “Turn on and tune out!”
  • I fantasied that they’re always asking me to reach up to get an item at Home Depot, where I work.
  • I can feel that they want my Rewards Card.
  • When at Home Depot one day, for work, I imagined that I bent mine knee to interact with one of their little ones and then decided to put the child on a fort-lift and then make the fork-lift do a dance and the parent went nuts on me.

Juks

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  • I pretended that one was real when I was using the bathroom at Home Depot and I asked him if I could wash his hands for him and I was flatly rejected.
  • They are usually employed for construction, if they existed.
  • Germ city!
  • I one time lost my focus while working at Home Depot because I was pretending to lose a round of Dance Dance Revolution to one of them.

Fasheezers

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  • One time a “saw” one and my blood pressure shot up by several.
  • The kind of music they like is just the “It Follows” OST.
  • When I was at Home Depot, I wasted an entire day hiding in a washing machine because I imagined that they hate cleaning their clothes and then that’s the last place they’d look.
  • They have no cousin loyalty.

Villagers: Dr. Montgomery Ward

Dr. Montgomery Ward

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“I can’t find my cellphone” – Ward

Profile: Pale Southern North American

Height: 6′ 2″

Body Type: Anthropomorphic Elongated Pembrooke Corgi

Memorable Quotes: “I know my phone charger was over here”///”I thought I left it in the car.”///”Can you check for me? I don’t know where my shoes are.”

Profession: Pediatric heart surgeon

Leg strength: <<<4th phase>>>

Story: By the time Ward finished his final heart surgery on a tiny human, he was already past his prime. He was always forgetting his cellphone inside of his patients, and leaving mid surgery to play Golden Tee at the truck stop next to the interstate for hours. It was time to retire.

His retirement party was held at The Village’s country club, White Person Hills Golf Club, with all of his friends and family. But Ward looked distant, sitting at one of the tables and staring out the window, removed from the proceedings. His family dismissed it as he was prone to be absent-minded throughout his life, but they may have felt different if they had known what he had experienced a hour before in the bathroom.

As Ward was washing his phone in the sink, he glanced in the mirror to find a visitor.

“Ward, I have come to you this point in your timestream to offer a gift.”, said the ethereal floating baby in front of him, it’s chest cut vertically down the sternum. “You’re use in this reality has reached the limit, but there are matters in other worlds that require your presence. Are you ready to transcend?”

“Can you help me find my phone?” Ward said, holding his water-logged Samsung Galaxy, a phone he had received in the mail just yesterday. “I swear I put it right here, but the darn thing…I just…can’t…”. Tears welled up in his eyes as he pulled at his white hair. The fetus floated there without empathy.

“You are lost and none of these mortal crickets surrounding you can help you to find yourself again. If you choose to move beyond this plane, come to the Golden Tee. I will be there to help you through.” The fetus dissolved into thin air with a crackling flash.

Ward stood, breathing the otherworldly smoke that his visitor left in his wake. It smelled like the fireworks he and his brother’s would set off as kids into the hot North Carolina air. Once he returned to the party, Ward collected his thoughts and attained a clarity he had not attained in 10 years. He looked at all of his friends and family, living their lives, seemingly unaware of the person they had come to celebrate. They had already moved on. So would he.

When he got home, he went upstairs and packed his bag. His wife asked him where he was going. He responded with a kiss and a hug, and a soft “Thank you”. He went out the front door and into the crisp Autumn air, walking to the Pilot station. He wanted his wife to keep his Benz, he knew she preferred it.

When his grandson arrived at the Pilot station to satisfy his grandmother’s worries, his grandfather was was nowhere to be seen. Only his phone remained, resting against the worn trackball.

 

Microsoft Surface Studio – Can You Use It As A Tablet? WE GO HANDS-ON

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Microsoft just unveiled their new Microsoft Surface Studio at their event in New York today, and boy howdy, are we excited! Being a proud Surface 3 owner, I’m very interested in the Surface brand. However, one question plagued me through the event and was not addressed at any point in the event: can I use it as a tablet? I went hands-on to give you the details.

During the hands-on event, I was able to play around with the Surface in it’s default desk configuration. The pen and small puck were both very responsive and gave me the control I’ve become accustomed to having with the regular Surface. But then came the moment of truth…I tried to transform it into tablet mode.

Needless to say, it wasn’t easy. The Surface Studio rigid and seemingly permanent base doesn’t fold away underneath as easily as the incredibly easy-to-use backstand on the regular Surface. However, with a little bit of prying and snapping, I was able to to convert it.

I will say at this point, the Microsoft people were yelling quite loudly at me and security was en route, but I had more work to do. I needed to test it’s portability. As I carried it around the show floor, I did receive several stares. That’s right, everyone wanted to get their hand on the new tech. With that in mind, I will say that because of Microsoft’s horrific oversight in not providing a backstand, the sharp pieces of metal do have a tendency to rip up the flesh on your forearms. Also, the need to use the belts of the unconscious guards around you to holster it from your neck is rather inconvenient. Perhaps Microsoft will provide some sort of belt device with the Studio upon purchase.

Unfortunately, I had only wedged the Surface Studio halfway into the bathroom stall before I was pinned to the floor by the authorities, so I was not able to give the Surface my complete test run. But, overall, my experience was a favorable one.

7/10 – MUST BUY.

-The Superb

Villagers: Amber-Chromie

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Profile: All Genders

Height: 6’8″

Body Type: Remnants of “Ad-Rock Body Model” used as stand-in for “Lost Angels”

Memorable Quotes: “Donald Sutherland stole my idea for Cold Stone Creamery and he and his friends developed it into an internationally recognized chain, turning out millions which he thinks will help him gain some sort advantage over me.”///”I have the strength of twenty Donald Sutherland’s and I know how to teach that to your kids.”///*Compressed Air Gushing Sound*

Profession: Martial Arts Instructor

Leg Strength: <<<Woah, Nelly!>>>

Story: Chromie’s life began as a humble gas station air pump. The kind that still requires that you go to the ATM inside and withdraw your own money for a fee so you can break a part of a twenty dollar bill into four quarters. You then shoved those quarters into Chromie. He claims that he doesn’t remember much of this part of his life, but whenever he hears the sound of an air pump filling a tire he gets a really far-off look and kind of spaces out. I’ll say to him: “Chromie! What’s wrong, bud?” And he just says: “Nothing. I just know I will end cars some day.” And then he gets really contemplative.

Things changed for Chromie when the scientists working at Denny Villenhaus’s secret laboratory we’re working on re-establishing the Villages connection to the world-wide web, which had been lost due to the activity of the The Beasts. They realized that in order to restore the web, in behalf of Denny’s en devours to humiliate his rival Josh Terby, they most likely have to eliminate The Beasts entirely. That seemed crazy at the time, but what was crazier was robots. To quote the Chief Director of Villenhaus Labs, Nuclear Physicist and Molecular Technologist Dr.Andrew Knucklesbee: “Robots shouldn’t be possible and frankly, I have a hard time sleeping or having alone time with my family.”

He continued: “We had a lot of spare robots laying around from failed experiments. One of those was Chromie. We took a gas station air pump and, like God fashioning a woman out of Adam’s rib, we turned it into a robot that could communicate with dogs. We felt that we needed to know if our dogs were in league with The Beasts in some way. But when we turned “Amber-Chromie & Fetch” on for the first time a dog barked and him and Chromie just said they were mad because he didn’t have a butt. We installed a butt on Chromie, but that didn’t reveal any connections.”

“So, when we were thinking about how we might attempt to fight The Beasts, we grabbed Chromie and gave him Karate moves.”

Of course, Chromie failed miserably and returned to the Village barely intact and all information concerning what he saw out there erased. Chromie became embittered, having experienced the inhumane abuses of the Villenhaus Lab and being sent into a losing battle. He somehow left the Village for several years, spending him time learning to fly antique planes and doing stand-in work on big budget hollywood films. Since, he has returned and set-up a small dojo where he trains children to, as he says: “Take back the creamery.”

 

 

Stanley Tunic: A Zelda/Stanley Tucci (Mostly Zelda) Blog – Preview

Along with humor, another interest we have here at The Superb is video games, and one of them in particular is the Legend of Zelda series. We wanted a chance to deep dive in the series and investigate what it is we find interesting about the series as a whole. Also, we throw some Stanley Tucci in there, cuz who can’t do with a little bit of the Tooch.

The first article was written by yours truly, the following by my constituent, Austen. Please follow our Tumblr if you’re a fan, or like and follow our blog here and leave a comment.

Enjoy!