Villagers: Steve “The Beve” Bagel


This year I packed my bags with modest provisions and sold all of my other earthly possessions.

I drove through the narrow valleys, swallows and crevasses that comprise the United States.

I at last arrived in THE VILLAGE, the simple, pastoral local I now take residence in.

These are the stories of the Villagers who call this place home.

Henry David Thoreau had Walden.

I have Villagers.

Steve “The Beve” Bagels

“Get in the van, Ryan” – The Beve

Profile: White Male

Height: 5’11”

Body Type: Spectramorph Mastiff

Memorable Quotes: “There are only two things that are easy in life, Go-Fish and Candyland.” /// “If you’re ever chasing a roadrunner and you end up running off the edge of a cliff, then make sure you start looking up and then you’ll fly up.” /// “A good first date is Taco Night at my place and then we climb into my T-47 airspeeder and we tie some tow-cables around the legs of Giraffes, Battle of Hoth style.”

Profession: Salesman at Mr. Boisonman’s Curiosity Shop

Leg Strength: <<<sightly below average>>>

Story: Steve Bagels (pictured above) arrived in The Village when his alive-self body-form was discovered by grave robbers invading the Tomb of Karlf Villenhaus, the founder of The Village. He was laying in the casket when the criminals used a crowbar to discover Steve counting backwards from 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. “He said: ‘One’ right as we got there.” says Thompson, one of the godless scoundrels who invaded the grave site.

Steve Bagels immediate destroyed the life (or souls) of the undeserving robbers, sparing only Thompson as redeemable. “I begged for mercy after Steve used negative space energy to kill my friends. He kindly allowed my brain cells to continue, as long as I became his son/business partner.” As soon as Thompson agreed to Steve’s conditions, an entire 80’s power suit appeared on his body.

After purchasing 300 anchors of land using jewels from Villenhaus’ grave. The pair of Steve Bagels and Thompson began applying for work inside The Villages intranet. “We don’t really have conventional internet in The Village.” explains Thompson. “Not after the fiber optics were destroyed by The Beasts.” Steve Bagels eventually decided that the only way he could find the job that he was sorely needing in order to keep his synapses firing in symphony with the galaxies, he employed the local library and read up on every member of the town. Their heritages, their personalities, their favorite fish holes, the kinds of deserts that they can’t say no to. He downloaded it all in his brain and he was able to use that information against everyone, although he chose not to in the end.

Steve Bagels used what he learned to procure a job at aforementioned Curious Shop. Many of the villagers think of him as a slick fast talker, others think of him a bringer of bad portents. This may be because that every conversation or passing word with Steve Bagels results a cobweb infestation inside your home.