Everyone On The Planet Has Seen Jurassic World…Except Troy Roberts


Universal’s Jurassic World has been stomping records left and right, not only breaking The Avengers’ opening weekend record, about also beating its second weekend record as well, even in the face of another huge opener, Disney/Pixar’s Inside Out. Even though the critical consensus is somewhat mixed, audiences are in love with it, enjoying it for what it is: a fun and satisfying, if not somewhat dumb, summer blockbuster. Everyone except for one person: Troy Roberts.


Troy Roberts, who has had an unwrapped copy of Firefly sitting on his shelf for the last 4 years, has yet to see the movie, and seemingly has no desire to.

Not that Troy has said anything to indicate he dislikes the movie. In fact, it doesn’t appear that he has much of an opinion of it at all. At dinner the other night, when THE ENTIRE TABLE was talking about that the movie, Troy didn’t seem to be bothered that large parts of the movie were being spoiled for him. In fact, when conversation got around that EPIC T-Rex vs. Indominus Rex battle at the end, you know, the one that made you fist pump so hard, you spilled all of your Snow Caps on the floor, he was looking at his phone, texting Brittany or whoever, the one with the tits and the hat.

Tiffany and Brent Roberts, Troy’s parents, were confused by this behavior as well. “It’s just shocking.”, said Tiffany. “I mean, this was the kid who watched Jurassic Park almost every time it came on NBC, which I think was on Thanksgiving sometimes. He rented the Genesis game once or twice. He may have pretended to be a raptor when you guys played in the backyard, or was that a homosexual? I could never tell with you kids. Regardless, you raise your son to be a good person and to appreciate whatever Steven Spielberg has a hand in, and then he goes and does something like this. I don’t think that trip the Sweden was good for him. Or that ample hat girl. It’s all changed him. Simply incredible.” His father Brent, who once caught a Nerf football with a spatula, was equally disturbed. “It’s only through the prayers of others and our nightly viewings of The Lost World that we’ve been able to make it through this especially difficult time.”

Troy has been texted on 2 separate regarding a repeat showing of the movie, but he just replies “Not 2nigh, bro. Tired.” I mean, what’s going on with him? He never used numbers for letters before. This feels like a shrug off.

Emily Friel, Troy’s ex-girlfriend, has held nothing back regarding the matter. “If Troy doesn’t want to be part of the magic that is a long-dormant franchise that has been resuscitated back to life by the surprisingly capable Colin Trevorrow and the totally relatable Chris Pratt, then I don’t know what to think of Troy. He doesn’t seem to want to fit in anymore, and honestly, if he wants to continue acting like he did the other night, indifferently texting at that stupid bimbo with the boobs and the hat while we all listened with bated breath around an Applebee’s bar TV as the Bill Summers of Action 8 News conveyed that Jurassic World had beat Inside Out to be the reigning box-office king for the second weekend in a row, followed by Joey victoriously ripping the head off of a Joy plush with his teeth and screaming “THE PARK IS OPEN, BEES!”, I don’t want that kind of person in my life. He should go back to Sweden and take that Brittany girl and all seven hundred of her hats with him.”

We’ve even tried inviting Tits McHat (the new name for his girlfriend) to the movie, but she just responded “Thx, but 3d gives me a headache:-)”, even though we SPECIFICALLY invited her to the 2D showing. Something is up. Something is not right.

A group has gathered together to handle these drastic developments. We have to help our friend. We have to get Troy back. We will handle the girl. We will collect Troy. We will know what happened in Sweden. And then he will come to his senses. And when he sees what we have done to his hat girl, he will applaud and thank us, and he will BEG to see Jurassic World.

-The Superb


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