Herb Bentley, local helicopter pilot, Action 8 traffic reporter, and all-around great guy, has done much good for the town of Ludreen, Ohio, whether it’s spending all night in his helicopter to raise awareness for childhood diabetes, or taking one orphan a week on a helicopter tour over their hometown. Herb is simply the best. And now, he’s taking it one step further.
As many of us may know, and who doesn’t keep tabs on Herb Bentley, he recently took up residence with Laura Wilson, mother of 2 and, hopefully soon, FORMER wife of town slob, Rick Wilson. And her life has been all the better for it.
“What I needed in my life was the caring touch of a loving man from 6,000 feet up and Herb gave me that.”, Laura said. “Rick, God bless him, is a wreck of a human being with awful posture. He doesn’t even have his helicopter permit. How can I hold that kind of man up as a role-model to my children?”.
Many in the community are saying the same thing about Rick. “I hate that man and everything he chooses to stand for. He walks with the posture of a Russian prostitute and he smells twice as bad.”, says Father McKinnley, the pastor of the local Irish Catholic Church, where Wilson has performed some downright mediocre plumbing repairs. “I pray every night with all of my Catholic powers that the Lord, who I believe to be a large tomato Buddha named John Goodman, bring him to justice for pissing me off.” It sounds as if Father McKinnley’s higher power has heard his prayers. Herb Bentley announced this morning during his daily traffic report that he would be taking Wilson to task by lifting two-story, 3-bedroom, 1 and a half bathroom residence located at 125 Seminole Ave with his helicopter 4,000 feet into the air and dropping it to create awareness for how awful Rick Wilson is and how he should just get the hint and chuck himself headfirst underneath a spinning merry-go-round.
“I have a crew over there right now, excavating the house from it’s concrete foundation, building a temporary wooden foundation, attaching straps to that leading to a large hook on the top. I will fly over tomorrow at 5:30 AM, pick that dump of a residence where he no doubt abused his children and wife, and drop it to hell, which Father McKinnley’s believes to be an endless series of progressively smaller saunas inhabited by a steadily belching live-action Fred Flintstone. Rick Wilson has to understand that his mediocrity and subpar posture is draining all of us of our will to live.” He also announced that he did 600 push-ups this morning and flexed his right bicep so hard he blew up a goose’s head 5 miles down the road.
Rick Wilson has been detained in the town drunk tank, which is probably where he should be with his alleged drinking problem, and is being denied the basic rights afforded to even the worst of criminals. “We’re talking the basics: toilet, food, water, and clothing. We’ve got bedbugs on the floor. It’s going to be the worst for him and he deserves every bit of that. I really really hate that man, and I feel compelled to shoot him in the penis every time I see him. God bless Herb and his helicopter of justice.”
Rick has been notified of what is happening and will be allowed released 10 minutes before the drop, so that he can make a desperate scramble to save his home before it is obliterated by gravity against the planet Earth. “This guy needs to learn that you can’t just slouch your way through life and make no effort to be anything of worth to your family. What a waste of a human being. Please bring your family to watch this man’s horrible life be rightfully destroyed in front of him. Admission is $5 for adults, kids are free. All proceeds go to Laura’s Fund, which has been established to inspire courage in those married to Rick Wilson to get in my helicopter with no bra on.”