Helicopter Hero Plans to Drop Local Man’s House 4,000 feet to the Ground

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Herb Bentley, local helicopter pilot, Action 8 traffic reporter, and all-around great guy, has done much good for the town of Ludreen, Ohio, whether it’s spending all night in his helicopter to raise awareness for childhood diabetes, or taking one orphan a week on a helicopter tour over their hometown. Herb is simply the best. And now, he’s taking it one step further.

As many of us may know, and who doesn’t keep tabs on Herb Bentley, he recently took up residence with Laura Wilson, mother of 2 and, hopefully soon, FORMER wife of town slob, Rick Wilson. And her life has been all the better for it.

“What I needed in my life was the caring touch of a loving man from 6,000 feet up and Herb gave me that.”, Laura said. “Rick, God bless him, is a wreck of a human being with awful posture. He doesn’t even have his helicopter permit. How can I hold that kind of man up as a role-model to my children?”.

Many in the community are saying the same thing about Rick. “I hate that man and everything he chooses to stand for. He walks with the posture of a Russian prostitute and he smells twice as bad.”, says Father McKinnley, the pastor of the local Irish Catholic Church, where Wilson has performed some downright mediocre plumbing repairs. “I pray every night with all of my Catholic powers that the Lord, who I believe to be a large tomato Buddha named John Goodman, bring him to justice for pissing me off.” It sounds as if Father McKinnley’s higher power has heard his prayers. Herb Bentley announced this morning during his daily traffic report that he would be taking Wilson to task by lifting two-story, 3-bedroom, 1 and a half bathroom residence located at 125 Seminole Ave with his helicopter 4,000 feet into the air and dropping it to create awareness for how awful Rick Wilson is and how he should just get the hint and chuck himself headfirst underneath a spinning merry-go-round.

“I have a crew over there right now, excavating the house from it’s concrete foundation, building a temporary wooden foundation, attaching straps to that leading to a large hook on the top. I will fly over tomorrow at 5:30 AM, pick that dump of a residence where he no doubt abused his children and wife, and drop it to hell, which Father McKinnley’s believes to be an endless series of progressively smaller saunas inhabited by a steadily belching live-action Fred Flintstone. Rick Wilson has to understand that his mediocrity and subpar posture is draining all of us of our will to live.” He also announced that he did 600 push-ups this morning and flexed his right bicep so hard he blew up a goose’s head 5 miles down the road.

Rick Wilson has been detained in the town drunk tank, which is probably where he should be with his alleged drinking problem, and is being denied the basic rights afforded to even the worst of criminals. “We’re talking the basics: toilet, food, water, and clothing. We’ve got bedbugs on the floor. It’s going to be the worst for him and he deserves every bit of that. I really really hate that man, and I feel compelled to shoot him in the penis every time I see him. God bless Herb and his helicopter of justice.”

Rick has been notified of what is happening and will be allowed released 10 minutes before the drop, so that he can make a desperate scramble to save his home before it is obliterated by gravity against the planet Earth. “This guy needs to learn that you can’t just slouch your way through life and make no effort to be anything of worth to your family. What a waste of a human being. Please bring your family to watch this man’s horrible life be rightfully destroyed in front of him. Admission is $5 for adults, kids are free. All proceeds go to Laura’s Fund, which has been established to inspire courage in those married to Rick Wilson to get in my helicopter with no bra on.”
-The Superb

Pictures from The Superb’s First Office Party

Last night everyone in our offices here at The Superb held a little party so we could to get to know each other in a more relaxed atmosphere. Here are some of the highlights of the evening, as told through pictures.

Things started off a little stale.

Things tend to start out slow. But gradually get a little, um, crazy if you will.

But, then one of our staff writers decided to put on some jams.

Dance party!

Before we knew it, everyone had loosened up. Congo line!

What a bunch of cards!

Woah! Everyone was really flaunting their fashion sense!

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Guess who decided to show up?

Sometimes things get a little too crazy around The Superb offices!

Talk about great food! Aaron even made us some of his legendary quac-dip!

You never know when Simon is gonna put a lamp shade on his head…

Pin the tail on the donkey! Classic!

Somebody seems upset that we ran out of booze.

Good thing this guy decided to show up! Party an-i-mal!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

I’ve never seen our office supplies used quite like THAT before!

Even the intern is getting in on the action. Cowabunga!

Kevin sure does love his cake!

Uh Oh! Conference call!

Human pretzel? More like a human cinnamon roll!

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Justin made a desk fort! Good one!

Remind me to clean that up later, Donald!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Shawn looks like Big Bird and so do you!

I haven’t seen anyone do a cartwheel like THAT before! Go team!

Eliza even brought her pet turtle! Keep him away from the shrubbery!

Looks like it’s gonna be a looong day tomorrow!

– The Superb

Paid Advertisement: Farmers Everywhere Want Silos Full of Hermit Crabs!

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Hi, my name is Kirk Dickton, and I’m here to tell you about the trend that is sweeping the mid-western part of this great nation of ours: silos full of hermit crabs.

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You’re probably about to say “But Dickton, what could I possibly want to do with a silo full of hermit crabs? That sounds completely ignorant. Get off of the hood of my car.” Well, before come out and fight me on the hood like that Quantum Leap fanfic I wrote, listen to the benefits of having a giant container full of small crustaceans on your property.

1) You’ll never have to buy hermit crabs on vacation again. We all know how annoying this can get. What color cage do I get? Should I get the crab with a misshapen Batman logo painted on it, or the one with what you can only assume is a bloated Matt Lauer’s face? Did I get the sponge thing so the kid holds off a little while on the inevitable tragedy of finding a dried crab corpse outside of his Matt Lauer home in a last ditch effort to find hydration? Not anymore. Just have the kids bring over a bucket and you can dump pounds of pissed-off crabs on them, furious and ready to eat the flesh of their captors. That increases the fun factor by an easy 5!

2) Say goodbye to expensive crab dinners! Never buy king or snow crabs again. Simply pull your Crab lever, catch them in your boiling troth, and suck em right out of the shell, exoskeleton and all. Its not that unpleasant, especially if you pair them with IGA brand Saltines and a good bottled cocktail sauce. Someone get Bobby Flay on the phone and tell him to suck a J, cause you just hacked this dinner.

3) Great gambling opportunities! Tired of hosting an underground Tilapia soccer ring? Of course you are! Bring in the crabs! Have your depraved associates guess how many living crabs are in your silo! Create a Crab-Tucky Derby complete with Man O’ Crab, Crabiteriate, and American Crab! Challenge yourselves by seeing how many crabs you can cram inside another crabs shell while he’s in it! The gambling possibilities are endless!

But hey, don’t just take it from me. Listen to these fine testimonials of satisfied crab silo customers!

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Frank: When my wife left me and took the kids, it seemed that my life had no meaning anymore. I would often take my son’s bike and ride it down the middle of State Route 7 at night, waiting for Gerald Gunthrie’s Chevy to relieve me of this miserable existence. But then I found salvation in crab siloing. The rustling sounds of their legs and shells rubbing against one another as they struggle for dominance in their tall metal container prison echoing through the humid night air helps me pull my head out of that gas oven and get a good night’s rest.

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Gert: Our land had been farmed to death. We tried corn, soy beans, tobacco, everything, but it seemed that the land was done with us. But then I got myself a crab silo, and let me tell you, those crabs that we planted are turning into fine corn on the crab and crabbacco.

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Hilly: As a convicted sexual predator, I’m always looking for the next thrill, and that’s getting harder and harder to do. Little did I know that crab silos held the key to my next step in depravity. Flinging my naked body into a 4-story heap of hermit crabs like a sexual Scrooge McDuck has helped me to push past my limits and embrace the next step of my evolution towards becoming the Ultimate Being and Vessel for Gorg. Praise Gorg.

So, hey, what are you doing? Come on! Get some hermit crabs! It’s not that hard! Pick up the phone, dial 834-222-CRAB right now! There’s no question this is the next step in your life that will make you a better husband, lover and friend to those around you!

-Dickton Crabs

“Hinterlands” Author Jerrel Goodpasture Updates His Volume on Hiking The Gorge

It’s no secret that I live in Kentucky. I’ve always been open about that as any of my regular readers will attest. I make no bones about how I’ve always enjoyed the green pastures, the green rolling hills, the green grasslands and the green forest hills. And even though I love these parts about Kentucky so, so much, I can’t even begin to share the same passion for the true heartland of Kentucky as does Jerrel Goodpasture. If his name tells you anything, he is a big fan of what Kentucky has to offer. But what’s even more interesting about Jerrel is that pastures isn’t even what he’s the biggest fan of.

“I’ve taken great pleasure from exploring the prime scenic country of the Red River Gorge.” he explains condescendingly to me at a Cafe in downtown Lexington. The way he is talking to me is insufferable, but I somehow respect him nonetheless, probably because of his massive dreads.

“I get a lot of comments about my dreads, not all of them are positive.” he says. Yeah, no kidding, I think to myself. Notwithstanding his granola crunchy-ness, he has managed to write a book about his love for the Daniel Boone National Forest.

“It’s not really about my love for Daniel Boone National Forest, it’s more about what other kinds of alternative trails you can find in the Gorge.” he says, so smug, sipping on his espresso and just downing a huge scone that I think has like 300 calories and who knows how much sugar content and not to mention how starchy and how much refined flour. I’m tending to doubt how much he really knows about the Daniel Boone National Forest if he eats like this.

Despite some of exterior and interior flaws, Jerrell has somehow managed to update his comprehensive guide of the Red River Gorge into a fourth edition. He decided to share with me some of the new trails he has discovered on his recent expeditions. The rest of this article is what Jerrell sent me over e-mail.

TO: austenthemoneycat@email.com

FROM:jerrellgood-p@thedanielboonenationforest.com

SUBJECT: Updates to my book that you wanted

So, here are some of the new trails that I’ve discovered recently inside of the deepest corners of the Gorge.

First, is what I call the Bullock’s Finger-nator. Which is basically a dry riverbed that turn into miles and miles of shattered wine glasses. The butterflies go there to mate. It’s beautiful.

The second trail I found is near Sky Bridge actually. It’s called Blindsiderd. If you trek several miles along this treacherous terrain, you will eventually be accompanied by an inner-city black youth who will play football for your high school’s team only if you let him eat everything in your pantry cause he’s a big boy.

The third one is my personal favorite is called The Heat. It’s just a trail that get’s really hot.

The forth trail I uncovered in my travels requires traveling through caves and around sharp drop offs. Once you reach the end of the creek,Tyler, a young white lawyer defends a black man accused of murdering two men who brutally sexually assaulted his 10 year old daughter. In the process Tyler loses everything but doesn’t give up and is determined to prove the accused not guilty.

You will get to meet Tyler. Tyler is somber and quiet. He shakes your hand and says nothing. He steadily walks over to a nearby felled tree and sits on the log, running his hands along a stack of paper that sits near the base of the tree.

“Mother earth, what have you done to deserve this?” Tyler whispers. You cock an eyebrow, unsure of the meaning of this aphorism.

“Don’t you get it Jerrell? This paper is what this tree will become someday.” Tyler says. “But, I need the paper. I need the paper to win my case. We can’t get along without paper. Not until smart phones. Not until smart phones.”

– The Superb

Everyone On The Planet Has Seen Jurassic World…Except Troy Roberts

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Universal’s Jurassic World has been stomping records left and right, not only breaking The Avengers’ opening weekend record, about also beating its second weekend record as well, even in the face of another huge opener, Disney/Pixar’s Inside Out. Even though the critical consensus is somewhat mixed, audiences are in love with it, enjoying it for what it is: a fun and satisfying, if not somewhat dumb, summer blockbuster. Everyone except for one person: Troy Roberts.

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Troy Roberts, who has had an unwrapped copy of Firefly sitting on his shelf for the last 4 years, has yet to see the movie, and seemingly has no desire to.

Not that Troy has said anything to indicate he dislikes the movie. In fact, it doesn’t appear that he has much of an opinion of it at all. At dinner the other night, when THE ENTIRE TABLE was talking about that the movie, Troy didn’t seem to be bothered that large parts of the movie were being spoiled for him. In fact, when conversation got around that EPIC T-Rex vs. Indominus Rex battle at the end, you know, the one that made you fist pump so hard, you spilled all of your Snow Caps on the floor, he was looking at his phone, texting Brittany or whoever, the one with the tits and the hat.

Tiffany and Brent Roberts, Troy’s parents, were confused by this behavior as well. “It’s just shocking.”, said Tiffany. “I mean, this was the kid who watched Jurassic Park almost every time it came on NBC, which I think was on Thanksgiving sometimes. He rented the Genesis game once or twice. He may have pretended to be a raptor when you guys played in the backyard, or was that a homosexual? I could never tell with you kids. Regardless, you raise your son to be a good person and to appreciate whatever Steven Spielberg has a hand in, and then he goes and does something like this. I don’t think that trip the Sweden was good for him. Or that ample hat girl. It’s all changed him. Simply incredible.” His father Brent, who once caught a Nerf football with a spatula, was equally disturbed. “It’s only through the prayers of others and our nightly viewings of The Lost World that we’ve been able to make it through this especially difficult time.”

Troy has been texted on 2 separate regarding a repeat showing of the movie, but he just replies “Not 2nigh, bro. Tired.” I mean, what’s going on with him? He never used numbers for letters before. This feels like a shrug off.

Emily Friel, Troy’s ex-girlfriend, has held nothing back regarding the matter. “If Troy doesn’t want to be part of the magic that is a long-dormant franchise that has been resuscitated back to life by the surprisingly capable Colin Trevorrow and the totally relatable Chris Pratt, then I don’t know what to think of Troy. He doesn’t seem to want to fit in anymore, and honestly, if he wants to continue acting like he did the other night, indifferently texting at that stupid bimbo with the boobs and the hat while we all listened with bated breath around an Applebee’s bar TV as the Bill Summers of Action 8 News conveyed that Jurassic World had beat Inside Out to be the reigning box-office king for the second weekend in a row, followed by Joey victoriously ripping the head off of a Joy plush with his teeth and screaming “THE PARK IS OPEN, BEES!”, I don’t want that kind of person in my life. He should go back to Sweden and take that Brittany girl and all seven hundred of her hats with him.”

We’ve even tried inviting Tits McHat (the new name for his girlfriend) to the movie, but she just responded “Thx, but 3d gives me a headache:-)”, even though we SPECIFICALLY invited her to the 2D showing. Something is up. Something is not right.

A group has gathered together to handle these drastic developments. We have to help our friend. We have to get Troy back. We will handle the girl. We will collect Troy. We will know what happened in Sweden. And then he will come to his senses. And when he sees what we have done to his hat girl, he will applaud and thank us, and he will BEG to see Jurassic World.

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-The Superb

THE SUPERB EXCLUSIVE: Nic Pizzolatto On Why No One Likes The Second Season Of True Detective

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Last year, audiences across the nation were captivated with Nic Pizzolatto’s tale of nihilism, murder, and the worship of a entity named The Yellow King in the swampy altar of Louisiana. The HBO drama was a critical and commerical success, building fervent anticipation for the follow-up and a crushing amount of expectation on the shoulders of Pizzolatto. Stakes were raised even higher as it was announced that the show would pursue an anthology format, rotating out the cast and cutting all ties to the previous characters and mythology, which had built quite a fanbase.

Unfortunately, the reaction to the new season of True Detective, starring Colin Farrell (Not Interstellar), Vince Vaughn (Not Cheers) and Rachael McAdams (The Notebook) has been mixed, if not outright negative. In reponse to this damning reaction to his creation, we reached out to Pizzolatto to provide a defense for his creation. He responded in an exclusive The Superb interview:

The Superb: Thank you for agreeing to do this interview, Nic.

Nic Pizzolatto: Glad to be here.

TS: So…initial reactions to the new season of True Detective…not so hot.

NP: (laughs)

TS: So, why do you think that is? Are you disappointed in the reaction?

NP: No, not in the slightest. In fact, if anything, all I’ve heard is GOOD feedback in regards to what we’ve brought to the table. When people think of True Detective, what do they think of? All of their favorite characters like Rust, Marty, Spaghetti Man, and the unique styles associated with those characters, but found in new and exciting scenarios, with entirely new characters. So, when preparing the next season of the True Detective, we took that into consideration and said “What is it that people want right now?”. What we came up with was Collin Farrell investigating roads.

TS: So, you do admit that this is very jarring and not quite what audiences were expecting?

NP: You know, every day we get requests from fans saying “Nic, I LOVE Rust and Marty. These characters are speaking to me in a very personal way, and the exploration of Rust’s pessimistic paradigm feels very new to broadcast television. PLEASE revisit these characters. I BEG of you.” And we love that fans are that passionate. So, in response, we got together and said “How are we going to satisfy our fans curiousity, but also, surprise them?”. What we came up with is True Detective Season 2, where Vince Vaughn drinks 42 gallons of bourbon in a generic bar 2,000 miles away from the vivid and terrifying Carcosa.

TS: Did you ever consider continuing the story of Rust and Marty, or did you always plan to sever all ties to the first season?

NP: Our developer’s are great, and are always coming up with ideas, and sometimes….(laughs) sometimes these ideas are beyond what current technology can handle. We did develop a follow-up to Rust and Marty’s original story, involving a more in-depth and terrifying look at who The Yellow King actually is, and what was the true significance of the wormhole Rust saw in Carcosa, but unfortunately, our processors couldn’t handle rendering Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson slightly older in Louisiana. But then, we thought “No, even if we could, that’s too easy. What we should do is completely ignore the passion for these characters in this setting and follow it up with aerial shots of interstates.” And I think we delivered.

TS: Can you tell us if there are any plans to cross these characters and their story into the first season? No doubt, that would please a lot of the fans and promote some goodwill.

NP: It’s great how passionate our fans are about our franchise, and we see a lot of excitement when they talk about the further development of a significant and gripping aspect of the first season’s storyline. We love that passion and we want to build off of that. So, I’m happy to announce that starting in episode 4, Frank and Ray will wear Rust and Marty’s clothes from the first season. We hope this will keep that fan excitement at a fever pitch!

TS: Thank you for taking the time to talk to us, Nic.

NP: (coughs) Thank you for having me.

-The Superb