Emails Concerning Unproduced 9th Season of Full House Uncovered

full house

Along with the Sony hack which leaked documents concerning properties such as Spider-Man and Mario, it appears that the same hackers also decided to attack Warner Bros., albeit to a lesser degree. In the process, emails from sitcom creator Jeff Franklin’s Netscape email account were discovered for an unproduced 9th season of the hit ABC sitcom, Full House. There were also emails preceding this, indicating sick leave due to a “botched leg extension” surgery in Taiwan.

Thursday, July 13th, 1995
5:16 PM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff
Subject: Joey?

Tom Hey,

I’ve just been lying here, thinking while all of my legs is throbbing….did we ever do one where, like, Uncle Joey enters a pie eating contest to prove he’s a responsible uncle after his dungeon is discovered? Just wondering. I can’t remember anything, I have more hydrocodone than water in me right now. I’ll say this about the Taiwanese, they definitely know who to point you to for the meds. I’ll bring you some maybe I don’t know whateber….


Friday, July 14th, 1995
10:45 AM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff

Milley you see that storm that hit Detroityesterday? Shoo…boy. I think the infection is starting to spread. I stubbed my toe last night and it took me 2 hours falling to hit the floor. When I woke up, I had a mouth full of Honey Bunches of Oats and 4 belts wrapped around my neck in a overlapping manner. Found this in the toilet later. Thought we could do something with it maybe. Please send me more David Lynch tapes as they do help me in this time. Gorg bless.

GorgStephanie Tanner gets charged with stealing prescription pain medication from an old mill worker. She gets put in a gorg prison, while Rebecca Romaine’s character is realizing that her boys are addicted to a T.V. show that is just a long uncut shot at the gorg moon for half an gorg hour. The boys say that they want to go home. Uncle Jesse is unperturbed due to the fact that his new commercial gorg jingle for a wood store is having a premiere at the Mann’s Chinese gorg theatre and he is afraid he is gonna “have mercy” in the middle of the listening event.

Jiffy gorgg

Friday, July 14th, 1995
12:17 PM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff
Subject: I’m back

Yo, Tomgonzola. I passed out on my counter and woke up in a shallow pool of what I can only describe as a thick paste that I had perspired. I attained a hint of lucidity, followed by an insanely high fever and a desire to create. I sat down and busted these out in 3 minutes. I have never written so fast in my life. Some of these are not even in my handwriting and are written in a mixture of blood, feces, and mascara. Maybe we can use these? Thx.

Danny Tanner has a nervous breakdown at the playground with his children and accidentally kills a 7-year old, mistaking it for his ex-wife. Carl Winslow from Family Matters plays the newly-promoted detective hired to investigate the matter, while sharing his chili recipes with Stephanie.

GO. On “Wake Up San Francisco!” Danny does a monologue about lettuce. Meanwhile, Uncle Joey intentionally mutilates himself on a chopsaw just so he can feel again. Home Improvement’s Al Boreland stops to finish his project in time for DJ’s wedding shower, a large wooden iron maiden device shaped like her Uncle Joey so that she can experience the death within himself, but changes it into an china hutch instead. Blues Traveler performs. D.J. Tanner learns that her boyfriend is being followed by Robin Williams. Only later does Robin catch up to him and asks him to remember their past lives together. Her boyfriend doesn’t know what Robin is talking about. Only later, when visiting a museum of middle-eastern artifacts does he have a revelation while staring into a red jewel. He now realizes his true identity and disappears into the woods to be tempted by Gilbert Godfrey. Danny Tanner, while recovering from his breakdown and subsequent prosecution, discovers the source of laughter that has been following him for the last 8 years. Dan Ackroyd guest stars as the priest he would play on the show Soul Man 2 years later who resists Tanner access to the wormhole underneath the prison chapel he has been caring over which holds the key to Tanner’s relief from the laughter and the terrifying truth that the universe is no more than looking glass for monstrous ancient ones to peer into for entertainment and select prey and vessels for their nefarious purposes. Meanwhile, Uncle Jessie tries out for Minor League Hockey in clothes that are too big for him. Danny, now trapped in the true dimensions, is sending messages through the T.V. show That Crazy Moon, which as captured the attention of Jesse’s two boys. They escape the house and begins sneaking into churches. While looking for clues they are kidnapped by howling guest star Harvey Keitel and are taken to the secret order of the skull and bones society to been cleansed from their sinsGORG IS MIGHTY AND FULL OF WRATH. HE SHALL SMITE THE LIFEFORCE OF ALL AND PENETRATE THE GOLDEN. ALL SHALL PRAISE HIS BEING AND PRAY FOR HIS MERCY IN THE COMING FETCHING. FOR THE LOSS OF ONE OF THE SHIMMERING SHALL BRING RUIN TO ALLMeanwhile, Michelle Tanner is taking Karate classes and learns of her “Quantum Nature”. While staring in the mirror she finds her ability to double her position in space-time and behave as two people inhabiting one consciousness. They are Michelle Tanner. Stephanie learns about her sister’s abilities and begins minipulating her into scoring more and more illicit substances. Stephanie is constantly getting high when she should be helping D.J. get ready for wedding. Because her boyfriend has now disappeared into the woods, Woody the Woodchuck now finds an opening to win the heart of the frustrated D.J. Tanner. Comet, feeling dejected by the arrival of a new furred one that seems to have become more of a normal member of the family than he ever was, sitting at the diner table and working on motorcycles with Uncle Jesse, decides to join the military as the first canine soldier to volunteer himself. The following 7-episode arc deals with the challenges of being accepted in a primarily human military, as well as the budding romance with a Bosnian terrier named Dog.


dan aykroyd

-The Superb

(with contributions from Austen. We finally made it, baby)


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