Jonny Lang Opens Up About The “Lie To Me” Music Video

Hey, this is Jonny Lang. You may have seen me at one point in the late 90’s as you flipped past VH1 at around 1:30 in the afternoon, waiting to get a ride to your job at Frisch’s. And that video was probably my number one hit, Lie to Me, off of my breakout debut album, Lie to Me. Well, I’m sure you have a lot of questions about that video, as it no doubt became your favorite video of all time. I’m sure you even taped over your collection of Donkey Kong Country episodes in a hurried panic to get my face imprinted on something you own. Now’s the chance for me to give you a taste (not the whole enchilada. That’s just not the Jonny Lang way) of what it was like to live the moment that was Lie to Me fever. I will present a few choice moments from the video with some commentary on what I was experiencing at the time.

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Oh yeah. This is when I got the first taste of the fever. As you may not know, this video was not shot in one take. Video production takes hours of hard work, dedication, and lip balm. I made this face 72 times in the course of 2 afternoons. My bottom lip has a permanent bite mark in it to this day from this, but I look it it as a badge of honor for having made it to the fever. By this point, the mildly attractive girls with the Jennifer Anniston haircuts who are all singing my song to each other like its the first song they ever heard sounds had all left to shoot an Herbal Essences commercial, so there was no one to impress or attract but myself. I just kept biting that lip, chasing that neon rainbow, living that honky tonk dream.

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There’s a point in the song where I start to pretend I’m a hysterical young mother. It may come out a bit in my voice, but it definitely is going through my head. I pretend that I’m at the grocery store and I have to make sure I get some S’more Pop-Tarts, when all of a sudden, I remember: I have left my child in a hot parked car. I throw my cart into a display of Rotel canned green chilies, and sprint outside, as fast as my plain, ordinary, humble, broken house wife brown flats will carry me. Right as I pass the toy machine with small plastic Hispanic gang members inside, I remember that I, Jonny Lang, am the momma AND the hot baby inside the car. Then, I become a hot momma ON the car and begin to gyrate on the windshield of a black 97 Hyundai Sonata. At this point, my lower back becomes covered in sweat and I get very dehydrated. I need this to finish the song.

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This is where I push it through. I pretend I am every animal at once and defecate all over myself. I need the girls there for this one, because the overwhelming shame of the disgust present on their faces because of things that are happening to my body is absolutely necessary for the process to continue. There are some tricky finger positions in the end of this song that need to be visible on my face, but nothing’s too tricky for Ol’ Jonny Lang. We lost a few girls during this one. In some shots, one of the girls is a guy with a wig, simply because it was too overwhelming for her to experiencing Jonny letting it all out like this. But this is what fever is all about. I save my passion for the music videos. I let out my faces, I take a big dump in my pants in front of some girls, and I bite my lip until my teeth touch. If that’s not being a rock star, I don’t know what is. Praise God ya’ll.

– Jonny Lang

Emails Concerning Unproduced 9th Season of Full House Uncovered

full house

Along with the Sony hack which leaked documents concerning properties such as Spider-Man and Mario, it appears that the same hackers also decided to attack Warner Bros., albeit to a lesser degree. In the process, emails from sitcom creator Jeff Franklin’s Netscape email account were discovered for an unproduced 9th season of the hit ABC sitcom, Full House. There were also emails preceding this, indicating sick leave due to a “botched leg extension” surgery in Taiwan.

Thursday, July 13th, 1995
5:16 PM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff
Subject: Joey?

Tom Hey,

I’ve just been lying here, thinking while all of my legs is throbbing….did we ever do one where, like, Uncle Joey enters a pie eating contest to prove he’s a responsible uncle after his dungeon is discovered? Just wondering. I can’t remember anything, I have more hydrocodone than water in me right now. I’ll say this about the Taiwanese, they definitely know who to point you to for the meds. I’ll bring you some maybe I don’t know whateber….

JFffffff

Friday, July 14th, 1995
10:45 AM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff
Subject: Aaskkskkjsl DETROIT STRM COVERGORG

Milley you see that storm that hit Detroityesterday? Shoo…boy. I think the infection is starting to spread. I stubbed my toe last night and it took me 2 hours falling to hit the floor. When I woke up, I had a mouth full of Honey Bunches of Oats and 4 belts wrapped around my neck in a overlapping manner. Found this in the toilet later. Thought we could do something with it maybe. Please send me more David Lynch tapes as they do help me in this time. Gorg bless.

GorgStephanie Tanner gets charged with stealing prescription pain medication from an old mill worker. She gets put in a gorg prison, while Rebecca Romaine’s character is realizing that her boys are addicted to a T.V. show that is just a long uncut shot at the gorg moon for half an gorg hour. The boys say that they want to go home. Uncle Jesse is unperturbed due to the fact that his new commercial gorg jingle for a wood store is having a premiere at the Mann’s Chinese gorg theatre and he is afraid he is gonna “have mercy” in the middle of the listening event.

Jiffy gorgg

Friday, July 14th, 1995
12:17 PM

TO: Miller, Thomas
FROM: Franklin, Jeff
Subject: I’m back

Yo, Tomgonzola. I passed out on my counter and woke up in a shallow pool of what I can only describe as a thick paste that I had perspired. I attained a hint of lucidity, followed by an insanely high fever and a desire to create. I sat down and busted these out in 3 minutes. I have never written so fast in my life. Some of these are not even in my handwriting and are written in a mixture of blood, feces, and mascara. Maybe we can use these? Thx.

Danny Tanner has a nervous breakdown at the playground with his children and accidentally kills a 7-year old, mistaking it for his ex-wife. Carl Winslow from Family Matters plays the newly-promoted detective hired to investigate the matter, while sharing his chili recipes with Stephanie.

GO. On “Wake Up San Francisco!” Danny does a monologue about lettuce. Meanwhile, Uncle Joey intentionally mutilates himself on a chopsaw just so he can feel again. Home Improvement’s Al Boreland stops to finish his project in time for DJ’s wedding shower, a large wooden iron maiden device shaped like her Uncle Joey so that she can experience the death within himself, but changes it into an china hutch instead. Blues Traveler performs. D.J. Tanner learns that her boyfriend is being followed by Robin Williams. Only later does Robin catch up to him and asks him to remember their past lives together. Her boyfriend doesn’t know what Robin is talking about. Only later, when visiting a museum of middle-eastern artifacts does he have a revelation while staring into a red jewel. He now realizes his true identity and disappears into the woods to be tempted by Gilbert Godfrey. Danny Tanner, while recovering from his breakdown and subsequent prosecution, discovers the source of laughter that has been following him for the last 8 years. Dan Ackroyd guest stars as the priest he would play on the show Soul Man 2 years later who resists Tanner access to the wormhole underneath the prison chapel he has been caring over which holds the key to Tanner’s relief from the laughter and the terrifying truth that the universe is no more than looking glass for monstrous ancient ones to peer into for entertainment and select prey and vessels for their nefarious purposes. Meanwhile, Uncle Jessie tries out for Minor League Hockey in clothes that are too big for him. Danny, now trapped in the true dimensions, is sending messages through the T.V. show That Crazy Moon, which as captured the attention of Jesse’s two boys. They escape the house and begins sneaking into churches. While looking for clues they are kidnapped by howling guest star Harvey Keitel and are taken to the secret order of the skull and bones society to been cleansed from their sinsGORG IS MIGHTY AND FULL OF WRATH. HE SHALL SMITE THE LIFEFORCE OF ALL AND PENETRATE THE GOLDEN. ALL SHALL PRAISE HIS BEING AND PRAY FOR HIS MERCY IN THE COMING FETCHING. FOR THE LOSS OF ONE OF THE SHIMMERING SHALL BRING RUIN TO ALLMeanwhile, Michelle Tanner is taking Karate classes and learns of her “Quantum Nature”. While staring in the mirror she finds her ability to double her position in space-time and behave as two people inhabiting one consciousness. They are Michelle Tanner. Stephanie learns about her sister’s abilities and begins minipulating her into scoring more and more illicit substances. Stephanie is constantly getting high when she should be helping D.J. get ready for wedding. Because her boyfriend has now disappeared into the woods, Woody the Woodchuck now finds an opening to win the heart of the frustrated D.J. Tanner. Comet, feeling dejected by the arrival of a new furred one that seems to have become more of a normal member of the family than he ever was, sitting at the diner table and working on motorcycles with Uncle Jesse, decides to join the military as the first canine soldier to volunteer himself. The following 7-episode arc deals with the challenges of being accepted in a primarily human military, as well as the budding romance with a Bosnian terrier named Dog.

Ttyl.

dan aykroyd

-The Superb

(with contributions from Austen. We finally made it, baby)

What, after all, constitutes “watching the sun set”?

(Note: Dear reader, It has been ages since I’ve posted anything on The Superb. And for good reason. That reason being, none of your business.)

I’d like to ask you to gaze upon this photograph:

Putin and Bush try to act like normal humans

I stumbled across this when reading the recent article posted on The Atlantic’s online journal, concerning Vladimir Putin’s understanding of western culture. The post touches on Putin’s failed political relationship with the Bush administration toward the end of it’s tenure. In description, it posted this image, captioned: “Bush and Putin watch the sun set in Sochi, in 2008”. More specifically this final meeting between the two men, took place on April 5th, on some dignitary’s residence which over looks the Black Sea. What caught my eye was the absurd juxtaposition of the caption, the intended image, the actual image and the unintended cuteness of the photo.

Note, even though they are “watching the sun set”, they aren’t even looking any where near the actual sun. Rather, they both seem to be holding there heads, cocked, slanted, distantly with what seems like defiant contempt for our most precious star. You could argue, however, that their heads are rotated away from the sun in order to engage in conversation, so their voices can be heard and eye contact can be established. This doesn’t make sense at all. Putin doesn’t speak English. Without an interpreter present, no such breeze-shooting could take place. Also, why would both of these men need to look away from their intended target in order to communicate? That sort of behavior so anti-Sorkin that it almost seems malicious.

Also note that Bush’s hands are in an unnatural, and arguably sub-human position. Who holds their arms like that?! That is absurd. It’s like Bush is pretending to put his hands in his pockets because he feels the pressure to fit in with what Putin is doing. But Bush can’t really have his hand in his pockets, right? They aren’t deep enough! Has a placed his thumbs through his belt loops?! Is this just Bush flaunting his unbridled Texas spirit? Only he can answer. But, perhaps, this awkward position may serve as a synecdoche for America’s political relationship with Russia. Trying really hard to act like everything is cool and we totally trust/get you, when actually, we both feel really awkward when standing near each other.

That brings me to the cuteness. It is odd to think, that these keepers of doomsday, these masters of the world’s armed forces, could look so childishly uncomfortable in their own skin when confronted with the serenity of the universe.