Hey fellow V-Dads (that’s short for Vacay Daddies which, in turn, is short for Vacation Dads). If you’re anything like me, you love a good deal for your family vacation, and if you’re also anything like me, you are always on vacation because, if this great lifestyle of American consumerism has taught us anything, it’s that spending money in another place WILL save your marriage and demand more respect from your children. It’s worked for me, Charles Nitwell in PR, and that Phillip Bromley character who’s always eating his lunch on the toilet. Therefore, without further adieu, I present to you the best DEAL$$$ out there for any aspiring V-Dad. Check these picks out:
Days Inn on the River – Gatlinburg, TN
There’s nothing quite like the smell of the fresh mountain air in the morning as you get everyone up at 6:30 to pile in the ’04 Sequoia (almost paid off, guys!) and head off to eat some of the best pancakes this side of that IHOP back home next to the abandoned steak house where that guy killed those second-graders. This hotel will put you within 10 minutes of Pappy’s Pancake Paradise of Pigeon Forge (-1 point for next sticking with the P’s throughout the name, Tennessee! LOL! jk! ftw!). After that, you can head over to the bumper boats by the Smokey Mountain Snake/Bear Pit and Salt Water Taffy Emporium. Be sure to do that first before you go on with the rest of your day. You’re going to want damp underwear and socks for the rest of your days activities, as it will provide you with a refreshing feeling as you buy all of your loved ones back home t-shirts with airbrushed dolphins on them for some reason. But hey, it’s vacation! ANYTHING GOESLOL!!!
Castaway Bay – Sandusky, OH
The hotel pool has always been a hot spot for the boundless energy of my two children, and for my late night V-dad prowls. So, when they told me they had not only put one indoors, but added onto the classic pool designs with twisty slides and the high-demand Drunk Floating Stream, they had the firstfruits of the third quarter of my V-bucks for the fam vacay. The only downside to this whole deal is the lack of a swim-up bar, but that was quickly remedied by ripping the boogie board from the small, feminine grip of my youngest, and setting up a quick floating EazyBar (I’ve got the patent in my glove box ready for the post) so that I can enjoy a nice adult bev while watching the kids hurl a football near the heads of the elderly and spend the next hour trying to coax my wife into the pool by yelling up at the room door on the 7th floor. But sometimes, even when you’re on a vacation, you need to get away which is why I recommend…
Mountain Creek Cabins – Bruceton Mills, WV
A true V-Dad’s Fortress of Solitude. When my family thinks I’ve done one of my “disappearing acts”, as my wife calls it, I’ve simply trekked down the road about 300 miles to this fine establishment to get some me time. If we learned one thing from that Steak Fest killer, it’s that too much responsibility can make you snap and begin prey on the young. I view this as taking the proactive approach and nipping those dark impulses right in the bud. Once I get in my monogrammed bath robe, complete with silk undercarriage support, I just let the day take me where it will. Sometimes it’s watching 7 straight hours of Chopped with a massive tumbler of Svedka Whipped Cream vodka, others it’s pretending to beat Bonds home run record against a tree in the backyard until my hands bleed. The key is that I’m alone and the voices don’t hurt as much when they don’t have to fight for my attention.