How Not Cooking Changed My Life

I used to be one hot poppa. And by “hot”, I mean angry. And by “poppa”, I mean guy. I’m caught up in the usual occupations as any one else; work, school, family, church, play, after-work, work-church and cross-fit. The typical ins & outs of the working gentlemen. Reaching for the american dream isn’t easy though. With such a busy schedule, I hardly have time to take care of myself. Showering goes by the wayside. Haircuts never happen. Sleep is a luxury item. But more important then any of these mundanities that I tend to skip every single day, is spending three or four hours preparing a hardy three-course meal. Let me explain.

I’m a product of a rich Italian heritage. My grandparents are Italian immigrants who moved to Long Island in the late 50’s. I have fond memories of my mother and grandmother spending all day with me in the kitchen preparing sumptuous dishes, like Lasagna or handmade pasta or even the occasional pizza-pie or “pizza” for short. They taught me that cooking is an act of love and, like any act of love, it needs to take hours for it to mean anything. In the more rambunctious days of my youth, I would just throw the pepperoni pieces onto the pie haphazardly, like I was playing Roulette at the casino. But my mother would show me that in the matter of food, every detail had to be treated with special care.

But, as I grew older and older, I had less and less entire days to prepare food for myself. Until, today, where I have absolutely no time to do anything aside from making appointments on my iCalender and walking my dog, “Gnarles Barky”. Not cooking and by extension, never eating, has lead toward a number of consequences and health deformities. These include symptoms like starvation, fatigue and anger or as I call it, being a hot poppa.

But some would say: “But, there are tons of great recipes online that don’t take any time at all.” And to these nosy butt-ins, I would respond that as an Italiano, I don’t just “throw together” quick and delicious meals like it’s some sort of pick-up basketball game from the ghetto parts. I have to have time, all DAY, or I can’t do that. When I make food I do it the right way and that’s by taking all day.

So, what’s a cold, hard stud to do under these trying times?

When things really started to take a turn for the worse, a new glorious take on eating emerged like a beacon of hope in a sea of starvation. It’s what a call: “The Not Cooking Way”. What does this mean? It means that I bypass the whole hustle and bustle of preparation and go straight to the good stuff. When I go shopping I only buy foods that I can eat on the go or in a split. I look for prepackaged and ready to crunch sorta eateries. Items I frequent include:

Doritos Nacho Cheese
Doritos Cool Ranch
Doritos Picante
Doritos Sweet and Spicy Chili
Doritos Sour Splenda
Doritos Hot Sauce
Doritos Pop Corn
Doritos Nighttime Street Taco
Doritos Nighttime Derringer Holster
Doritos Out-in-the-wild
Doritos La-Plenty
Doritos Bossa Nova
Doritos Mac N’ Cheese Powder
Doritos Opaque Grim Prince
Doritos Temporal Shifts
Doritos Antonio Banderas Meme
Doritos Live!
Doritos Bag of Batteries

And I haven’t looked back since!


Neck Brace Man