New York City’s Winter Welcomes You!

There are many notable winter locations out there, but none quite like New York City! While many other locations may get much of the glory and attention like Switzerland and Norway, the winters of NYC have an unmistakable hint of something extra special.

The city is making a concentrated effort this winter, with the predictions of matching the snow and temperatures of last year, to draw more tourism during this time. Leading the charge is Amelia Rittenbach, Promotional Manager for the NYC Winter Tourism Board.

“While many towns would bring you in with beautiful sights and the warm, cozy atmosphere in the buildings around you, we want to appeal to a different minority this year. That’s why we send this invitation out to all cross-country skiers, mountain and ice climbers,winter hiking nuts and Russian immigrants. NYC is the place for you.”

Amelia lays out the terrain for the intrepid explorers. “Just because this is a metropolitan area comprised mainly of pedestrians, don’t you think for a second it will be a cinch to get around. You better pack some snowshoes, ice picks and some rope, because over 7 inches and no one knows what to do anymore. You’ll encounter snowdrifts that will require you to travel clear around the block just to cross the street. Prepare yourself for large sections of a city block encased in ice, due to a total lack of concern for public safety on the behalf of business owners.”

Amelia notes that these dangers extend beyond just the terrain but the temperatures as well. “We have wind tunnels that will blow frigid gales of wind in your face at such a velocity, you will lose the ability to breathe. Sure, you can take a right and use that Duane Reade and neighboring Gristedes as a barricade, but you will have to Bob Seger your way against that wind eventually, and the momentum you build early on is going to do nothing but help you. And bare in mind, these wind tunnels are scattered throughout the city, with no rhyme or reason as to why they occur in some areas rather than others. You’ll feel like you’re walking through a Mark A. Danielewski novel as sanity crushing, morality breaking, crippling gusty blows slowly erode desire to just retain some semblance of warmth until you get to that Starbucks on the next block, and trust me, they all smell like cat piss and wet towels here, and we don’t know why.”

Warmth and dryness are two main challenges Amelia presents in their brochure Why Would Anyone Live Here? – A Guide to NYC Winters. “Warmth and dryness are elusive commodities here. You better pack your best waterproof boots, because you’re going to have to wade through 2 and a half feet of black Slush Puppy to leave or get on any sidewalk in the area. That’s just the price of admission. No one has dry feet here. Or ankles. No one. We live a damp leg lifestyle in NYC.”

Amelia says not to think it will be just you on the roads either. “People will still attempt to operate their vehicles in this weather. They do not care if there are dozens of pedestrians around them at all. They are going to drive their car to work, and in the process, kill and cripple everyone around them. Prepare yourself for the ultimate winter experience.”

-The Superb


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