Aonuma: Zelda Wii U will be much more realistic

This last Saturday at the 2014 Game Awards in Las Vegas, Nintendo revealed the first gameplay footage from the highly anticipated Wii U entry into the Legend of Zelda franchise. And to the delight of many, it was very much in harmony with Auonuma’s promises of an open world experience.

The footage showed the series producer traveling to a high peak, marking a spot in the distance and traveling there with the parachute-like sail cloth, as well as riding a horse through grassy fields with no perceivable boundaries that developers often use to restrict players to a small area. It was even mentioned that you could pick apples off of wild apple trees and eat them. It’s very apparent that the Zelda development team is working hard to introduce a more realistic environment to explore. But, according to a special interview with the producer after the footage was released, the final product will go far beyond what was seen on Saturday.

“We want to give players the open world, realistic Zelda experience they have been clamoring for.” said Aonuma. “We put a lot of thought into what life would really be like for Link if he was actually doing this, which got us thinking in a lot of different directions.”

He then gave us an example of something building off of the stamina bar introduced in the last installment, Skyward Sword, which limited Link’s dash ability and the time he can spend hanging from ledges. “For instance, we must assume that, according to the convoluted timeline that we’ve created, that this post-apocalyptic, beginning of times era is crawling with disease and that the medical field is still in its infancy and primarily reliant on blood letting and the application of urine in some fashion, so more than likely, Link has contracted a few illnesses, especially rummaging around into dirty temples, killing animals that have been defecating all around him in very close proximity. And let’s be honest, those potions are probably just beet-colored sugar water with some medicinal flavoring.  So, depending on what animal blood or feces you encounter, you can contract dysentery or typhoid fever. This is represented by a status that lowers your stamina meter and eventually, your hearts. Eventually, if typhoid is your disease, your diarrhea-belching anus begins to wear down. You can consult this with anal health readout, which is represented by a small round asterisk gauge in the bottom right corner, that deteriorates each time you evacuate yourself behind a bush. Since you have nothing to wipe with but a coarse burlap sack that you obtained from a shopkeeper in town, which, if you don’t have enough rupees by this point, and let’s face it, you won’t because you live in a house with one room, bunking with your mentally ill uncle who’s trying to break into the castle because he hears ‘voices’, and people aren’t just going to dump their money in the bushes outside your house, you’ve had to do some unspeakable things just to get that burlap, so your sphincter is going to be way beyond sitting on Epona as her gallop causes the hard saddle to slam your butthole into oblivion. You’ll be on your feet for a while, probably laying on your side a lot, enjoying the crisp HD grass that is matted to your sweat soaked face. You can eat apples to refill your health, but eventually, that will increase the amount of diarrhea that you have to battle against. If fact, we’ve built a brand new mini game around you not getting feces on your pants as you rip them off time and time again to let the hot jet of brown water gush from your rear. Really, fighting diarrhea is more of a challenge than any boss battle or tricky puzzle we could come up with.”

One staple of Zelda games has been the way you use weapons and items you obtain. “You won’t be able to use anything when you first get it. You are a teenager, you’re barely standing due to the severe rectal blood loss, and you’ve never handled a bow and arrow before? Nah. You gonna hurt yourself, lose all of your arrows, or break it. The hookshot was designed for a muscle bound warrior of the past, not a vaguely feminine elfin fairy bottler. It will rip your arm clean off first try. You gotta work up to that, but first, you gotta shake that typhoid.”

He also said that the behavior of certain characters would be more accurate. “Go into anyone’s house in this game without being invited and they will kill you. Right on the spot. You won’t even make it to your first jar. Also, really keep your eye out for Tingle. He’s got his own dungeon in this game, but it’s not one you want to visit.”

-The Superb

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