The college basketball season is drawing near, and no one is more prepared for it than John Calipari, coach of the UK Wildcats Men’s Basketball Team.
“I like to keep it fun and festive, you know?”, says Calipari. “Not too many chocolates, because that gets old, like, ‘Come on, guy. I’ve already eaten 7 Lindor truffles, and I’ve got roughly 3 inches of these lining the bottom of the basket.’ You want to throw in an occasional salty crunch in there. I prefer to use a hotel size bag of Snyders Pretzels, but you can use a Fun Size Pringels in a pinch.”
Calipari has been handing gift baskets out to opposing team members, as well as his own players, for close to 3 years now, on and off the court. Mike Krzyzewski, head coach for Duke University, was unsure of his generosity at first. “I thought it was poisoned. You know, as some sort of postponed revenge for the Laettner business…but they’re fine. Perfectly fine. A little heavy on the lotions at times, but his color coordination on the toiletry baskets is impressive. I just wish he wouldn’t try to give them to my guys during a full court press.”
“His snack selection is unparalleled.”, says Billy Donovan, head coach for the University of Florida. “I mean, you’re looking through this thing and you’re seeing a depth that usually takes years to develop. There’s a layering technique here that we’ve got our guys looking at in their downtime.”
Rick Pitino, head coach for the University of Louisville, thinks he’s got a good counter for Calipari’s layering technique. “We’re aware of what he’s doing with these baskets, and I think you’re gonna see how we plan to deal with this in the next few games.” Pitino has been utilizing a new gifting technique with gift boxes, arguing that they are more economical than baskets. “What do you got when you’ve finished that last White Chocolate Toblerone? You’ve got an ugly basket, that’s what. We’re hoping to capitalize on that feeling. You break this sucker down in a few seconds, and it goes right of with the recycling.”
Despite Pitino’s comments and green strategy, Calipari argues that people want that traditional feel. “Look, when it comes right down to it, this is a means of comforting. When you’re feeling down, you want to feel that woven whicker in your palm. You can’t get that from cardboard. You just can’t.”