Food Network’s Restaurant:Impossible sends celebrity chef Robert Irvine into independently-run restaurants on the verge of oblivion and, by means of a top-notch remodeling team, new recipe ideas and a bit of tough love, he’s able to give these restaurants and their owners a much-needed second chance.
And it just so happens that his Food Network colleague, frosted tip muscle car driver extraordinaire, Guy Fieri and his Times Square-based eatery, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, are in desperate need of an Irvine makeover.
“It’s a nightmare in there.”, says Restaurant:Impossible producer Cyndi Butz. “I’ve never seen a kitchen staff so oblivious to the concept of sanitary cooking conditions. Many of the chefs and some of the waiters seemed to have some form of scurvy. It’s a miracle we showed up when we did, or there might have been more lives lost than there already has been.”
The idea of Irvine visiting Fieri’s restaurant in a special 2-hour episode did not actually originate with the R:I production team, but instead with the top brass at Food Network. “Look, we don’t directly endorse Guy’s Kitchen and Bar, so legally, there’s no recourse for us there.”, says Kent Pollin, Programming Executive for Food Network. “But when one of your top guys is running an establishment that is referred to in some reviews as ‘a nightmare Elvis would have if he were sweating through a fever in a Vietnamese Applebee’s circa 1968’, you’ve got to step in to protect your brand.”
Butz gave us some idea of what to expect in the episode. “We take an extraordinary amount of guitars off of the wall. In some areas, there were more guitars than drywall. It was actually weakening the structural integrity of the building itself. It also appears that Guy had decided to install his own version of that decoration where it looks like half of the car is coming through the wall, but instead of doing it the correct way, it’s apparent that he drove a car through the wall, which brings up additional concerns as it was a shared wall with a Duane Reade next door and the rear end of a 1967 Chevy Camaro SS Convertible has been sticking out of the Planned Parenthood section for at least a month. Somebody has been paid off somewhere.”
Butz also reveals that concerns with the food and it’s preparation take up a bulk of the episode. “All of the meat was being stored in an unplugged refrigerator next to the walk-in freezer that was being used as a “Chill Brrrrrrr-o-ita Zone” where they had customers, not only walking through the food prep area in rented flip flops, but preparing margaritas and Guy’s microwavable gourmet burritos in a thawing freezer with power strips and extension cords strewn through puddles on the floor.”
Safety concerns were at the top of the list throughout the entire remodel. “There was a shocking lack of concern for safety. They had a section of tables set aside for something called “Guy’s Lord of the Fries”, where they had sawed holes in the middle of some of the tables in the middle of the restaurant and set deep friers in the middle, no more than 6 inches away from the exposed flesh of the customers. Keeping with the motif, Guy also thought it would be fun to have a real pig’s head on a stake as you enter the area. We surely hope that they planned on replacing this pig’s head on a daily basis, because the same head had been there for some time. Like we said, the fact that no reports of injury or illness have occurred is very unlikely. Money has exchanged hands somewhere.”
The financial side of Guy’s restaurant is also discussed in detail. “The amount of money spent on the “Frosted Tips While You Wait, Dawg” station could have been spent to ensure that proper cleaning supplies could have been purchased, rather than the gallons of Windex they had been using for everything. They have no hand soap. Only bottles of Windex.”
Butz assured us that Irvine’s trademark tough love would be present in this episode unlike any other. “Robert bit into a large piece of glass while eating the ‘California Creamin’ Strawberry Daiquiri Bison Burger’, which actually set us back with the shoot because of Robert needing some minor oral surgery, so when he came back in, he was pretty upset with Guy and ready to mop the floor with him, which we’re convinced he would have done if Guy had been there.” Guy Fieri is only present in the episode over Skype, due to scheduling conflicts, as Robert carries him around the restaurant showing him the horrific conditions. “At one point, Robert throws the laptop down the ‘Guy’s Falling Down A Hole In A Paper Floor’, a seemingly endless sinkhole that appeared in the middle of the restaurant that Guy decided to cover with posters and album covers from Stone Temple Pilots, Live and other like bands from the 90’s. Customers were encouraged to throw their peanut shells, chicken bones and other scraps down the hole when as a ‘fun way to clean up’. As Guy’s digital self is falling down the hole, Robert screams at him to think of how Tiffany Abernathy felt when she disappeared in the hole during the ‘Guy’s Extreme Rope Ladder Challenge for Little Dudes and Chikadees’ back in June of this year. It’s very gripping and powerful stuff.”
Butz hopes this episode will raise some awareness and give individuals some pause before they visit one of Guy’s establishments, or allow him to start one in their home town. “Some people have no business working with food or operating a business or employing human beings. We’re hoping this gives people a chance to really look at how Fieri affects the world around us and how we don’t have to stand back and just let him destroy the lives of fellow humans who just want to enjoy a decent properly prepared, gourmet hamburger made from the meat of a clean animal at a reasonable price with their family and not contract some sort of terminal disease. We can fight back and demand better for ourselves and those we love.”
Restaurant:Impossible – In the Fires of Fieri will air later this month on Food Network. Expect a full review from us after the premiere.
The college basketball season is drawing near, and no one is more prepared for it than John Calipari, coach of the UK Wildcats Men’s Basketball Team.
“I like to keep it fun and festive, you know?”, says Calipari. “Not too many chocolates, because that gets old, like, ‘Come on, guy. I’ve already eaten 7 Lindor truffles, and I’ve got roughly 3 inches of these lining the bottom of the basket.’ You want to throw in an occasional salty crunch in there. I prefer to use a hotel size bag of Snyders Pretzels, but you can use a Fun Size Pringels in a pinch.”
Calipari has been handing gift baskets out to opposing team members, as well as his own players, for close to 3 years now, on and off the court. Mike Krzyzewski, head coach for Duke University, was unsure of his generosity at first. “I thought it was poisoned. You know, as some sort of postponed revenge for the Laettner business…but they’re fine. Perfectly fine. A little heavy on the lotions at times, but his color coordination on the toiletry baskets is impressive. I just wish he wouldn’t try to give them to my guys during a full court press.”
“His snack selection is unparalleled.”, says Billy Donovan, head coach for the University of Florida. “I mean, you’re looking through this thing and you’re seeing a depth that usually takes years to develop. There’s a layering technique here that we’ve got our guys looking at in their downtime.”
Rick Pitino, head coach for the University of Louisville, thinks he’s got a good counter for Calipari’s layering technique. “We’re aware of what he’s doing with these baskets, and I think you’re gonna see how we plan to deal with this in the next few games.” Pitino has been utilizing a new gifting technique with gift boxes, arguing that they are more economical than baskets. “What do you got when you’ve finished that last White Chocolate Toblerone? You’ve got an ugly basket, that’s what. We’re hoping to capitalize on that feeling. You break this sucker down in a few seconds, and it goes right of with the recycling.”
Despite Pitino’s comments and green strategy, Calipari argues that people want that traditional feel. “Look, when it comes right down to it, this is a means of comforting. When you’re feeling down, you want to feel that woven whicker in your palm. You can’t get that from cardboard. You just can’t.”
In the world of sports mascots, there are bound to be accidents, due to the nature of the large, cavernous costumes and the lack of peripheral vision. Some of these are naturally very funny, and tend to make the sport goofball reels that local news affiliates use to close their 11 ‘o Clock News Sports Report.
Bobby Bryant, who has been playing the role of the Toronto Raptor for nearly 10 years, stuck in a routine of pumping up the audience, dancing with 50-year old women, and flirting with cheerleaders, decided to spice things up one night and strap rollerblades to his feet. The results were horrifying:
While thankfully Bobby was not hurt in this incident, it did raise the eyebrows of a particular group located in New Albany, Indiana who take specific interest the risks that sports mascots take upon themselves. This group is named SMSF (Safety for Mascots in the Sports Field).
“It’s a dangerous game some of these guys are playing.”, said Director of Affairs, Kent Lowbaum. “We tend to overlook the occasional mascot dancing on the dug out, or even the mascots getting involved with some of cheerleading, but the days of these guys just going AWOL and deciding to try doing a backflip off of the catwalk onto the jumbotron just ain’t gonna churn the butter no more.”
The SMSF has a system not unlike the Union, providing teams with an individual to play the mascot and demanding certain conditions for those people. “Back before us, times were different. They would just drag any old bum into the stadium, give him a few shots or a hit to help him come down from the shakes, and throw him into a costume. The 70’s were really bad for this. There were more cases of violence, sexual assault, and unintentional manslaughter in sporting arenas than any other time in sporting history, outside of the gladiatorial period. We wanted to put a stop to that.”
The SMSF is putting new regulations into effect in any stadium that uses their services. These will restrict what were normally areas in which the person could show some discretion, even reaching into what will happen at what point in the game.
“At the beginning, the mascot will come out in a jovial manner, but not too jovial. It is not our place to upstage the players and their immense egos, which has led to incidents in the past. Rather, the mascot will raise his arms in the air in a clapping motion and walk in a half-circle 4 times. No more.”
These new regulations will extend even into their interaction with the crowd. “The mascots will not touch anyone. This especially includes grown men, children, and the elderly. These three groups have caused more grief than any others. Whether it’s the fist of a drunken 40 year-old man who’s personality is so wrapped up in a team that he views their failures as his own, the screams of a child who’s parent has not exposed them to any sort dead-eyed furry monster dancing aggressively towards them, or Grandpep who’s blood pressure is a little too high from the exposed mid-riffs of 18-year old cheerleaders and the 3 hot-dogs he just put away to be able to physically handle a purple mustached cowboy drag him out onto the court floor and attempt to gator over him into a pool of men. We have to draw the line somewhere.”
Kent hopes these new measures will cut down on mascot-related incidents by 70%, cutting down mishaps such as Bobby’s rollerblading gauntlet. “You’re still gonna have your hotshot who thinks he can ride a tiny car off a ramp and slam dunk. We can’t prevent all of these things. But they can rest assured that if they choose to do that under our watch, that’s the last time they’ll earn their check sweating themselves into a coma inside an asbestos-lined suit….which we are looking into changing that as well. Rome wasn’t built in a day, alright?”
Today JJ Abrams unveiled in a tweet the name of the eagerly-anticipated seventh episode of Star Wars. And while the name “The Force Awakens” is already stirring up quite a bit of speculation, the rejected alternate titles are causing even more debate. Take a look!
Warning: Possible spoilers!!!
- Star Wars Episode VII: Lens Flare Jedi Warriors
- Star Wars Episode VII: Red Skins
- Star Wars Episode VII: Han Solo’s Leg Vs. Malfunctioning Hydraulic Space Door
- Star Wars Episode VII: A Barn Too Far
- Star Wars Episode VII: Wampa There It Is
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Case of the Missing Period
- Star Wars Episode VII: Pig in the City
- Marvel Studios /Lucasfilms and Disney present Star Wars Episode VII: Frozen 2: Howard the Duck’s Bermuda Bugaloo
- Star Wars Episode VII: JJ’s Star Trek Anti-type
- Star Wars Episode VII: After Dark………Side………
- Star Wars Episode VII: Skywalker Babies
- Star Wars Episode VII: Non-Consensual Force Manipulation
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Emperor’s New Groove
- Star Wars Episode VII: Redemption Island
- Star Wars Episode VII: Force Ghost Protocol
- Star Wars Episode VII: A Good Day To Jedi
- Star Wars Episode VII: Rise of the Younglings
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Real Houseslaves of Hutt Castle
- Star Wars Episode VII: Big Boys
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Midi-Chlorians Intensify
- Star Wars Episode VII: All The Best Jedi Have Daddy Issues
- Star Wars Episode VII: Podrace Fever
- Star Wars Episode VII: Escape from Watto’s Perv Shack
- Star Wars Episode VII: Special Victims Unit
- Star Wars Episode VII: Lando Calrissian’s Outrageous Pleasure Cruise Among The Stars
Let the rumors spread like Fox News ebola!
– The Superb
Special thanks to Austen for his helpful collaboration.
Ota, Tokyo – The idea is simple: a yellow circle with a mouth floats across a dark, neon-highlighted maze eating dots and fruits while upended grocery bags called ghosts chase him. Straight-forward and to the point, this simple concept has gone on to make millions, spawn sequels and cartoons, and even inspire a 70’s pop hit. However, it seems as it Namco, the owners of the Pac-Man franchise, have lost the simplicity of the idea and has resorted to prostituting out their once beloved character in cheaply produced and rather confusing titles.
But, according to Namco, this is all part of their plan.
Recently, we ran into Pac-Man Creative Consultant, Hiro Takahashi, on a subway in Tokyo and took a moment to interrupt his cigarette to ask him if there was a overall master plan for the Pac-Man series.
Superb – We’re happy you could take the time away from your Newport Slim to talk with us about this.
HT – Absolutely, it’s my pleasure (deep drag on cigarette).
S – First things first, we’re really happy to see Pac-Man in the new Smash Bros. game. It feels like a true celebration of the character.
HT – Yeah….(knocks cigarette against knee) they did a fine job with that.
S – Upon reflection though, it seems to many that Nintendo understands how to make that character work more so than Namco. Especially when one looks at the recent releases associated with Pac-Man, it appears Namco is a bit lost when it comes to knowing what to do with the character. What do you think about this? What do you plan to do with the series?
HT – (sits with elbows on knees, staring at subway floor. He stays this way for around 5 minutes, taking a drag every 30 seconds) That’s a very…..umm (he lights another cigarette, using the burning embers of the lit cigarette as the lighter)..that’s a very good question. (Sits back, takes a intense drag, the end of the cigarette lights up like traffic light, and holds it inside of his mouth for what feels like an eternity, then exhales, expelling a stream of smoke so thick and heavy, it appears to completely envelope the ceiling above him. I begin to wonder if this is the first time he’s exhaled this whole time. The ceiling has clearly been by a thin film of nicotine. I think he has been sitting here all day smoking, inhaling as much as possible and then waiting, holding smoke in to humidify it inside his lungs before spewing it onto the ceiling of this subway train. Why do they even let him smoke here?) You know the McConnaissance? (He looks at me for the first time since we began talking)
S – Yes.
HT – (He leans forwards again on his knees. He drops the cig on the floor near his foot. He lifts it to stomp it out, revealing a pile of Slims underneath his white Keds sneaker. How long has he been at this? There’s at least two packs worth under there. I have never seen anyone smoke on the train, much less polish off two packs of unfiltered Virginia Slims untouched). That’s what we’re doing with him.
S – With who?
HT – The guy.
S – Pac-Man?
HT – Yeah, that Pac-Guy. We’re doing a McConnaissance with the Pac-Guy.
S – So, you’re releasing a bunch of inferior and, frankly, terrible games to undermine his value and then you’ll stop for a while and release a few amazing games that re-solidify his worth in the gaming community?
HT – (pulls another pack of Slims out of his pocket) Sure.
S – Looking forward to seeing this plan pay off. Thank you for your time, Mr. Takahashi.
HT – (put two cigarettes in his mouth at once) Okay.
– The Superb