New Horror/Sci-Fi Fiction Blog: TLPTHY

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While we focus in the absurd and comedic here at The Superb, we also like to dip into the horrific, fantastic and dramatic.

We are pleased to announce our sister blog, TLPTHY, which will focus on horror and science fiction short stories. We will primarily work in short fiction and series.

We currently have a few posts up, one of which was seen on this site by Cash, Tobacco. The newest post is the first chapter for a short story I’ve been working on, Private Eyes.

Please follow us and let us know what you think.

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Solid Man: Chapter 2

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Having depleted all of my pistol’s bullets into the mysterious sandstorm, I was shocked to see my pursuers still standing and approaching my location.

“Bad dudes.” I muttered through my scarf. It was at this point that I really wished I had brought my ChapStick along because my lip flesh was currently hung on my bandana, like a stupid fish caught on a stupid line of dried lip meat.

I scurried to my feet and started to run up the metal staircase. Contrary to what I initially thought, staircases are not perceptible to night vision googles in a sandstorm, so it’s accurate to say that I climbed the stairs with only my shins. Shinning my way about halfway up, I noticed the storm was starting to abate. Soon, my element of surprise and cover would be gone, like the time my Groucho Mark nose and glasses were taken by that librarian.

As I reached the top step, I paused to take stock of my leg situation. The goggles showed an angry red where my shins should be, a raging weather system as it were. No time to take care of myself, however. There was a scientist in the building ahead that needed my help. He was probably in worse shape.

Drawing my tranq dart gun, I fully intended to send some of the bad guys back to my ocean base, dozed and ready to make me some ChapStick. I spotted some blobs up ahead. Bad blobs. I broke into a run, my gun pointed out in front of me, firing darts to lead my way. These darts were loaded with rhino tranquilizers, per my request. By the time I got to him, he would be slumped into a heap, drooling.

What I hadn’t anticipated was the storm completely disappearing during my run of righteousness. All at once, my rocking nightvision became high beams two inches from my face as the desert sun came back with a vengeance. I screamed and struggled to get the goggles off of my face. They were fastened so tightly, and I know that was Koji because I told him I don’t like them that tight and that guy…..that guy is always screwing with me and I’ve about had it.

Once I removed the world’s brightest Game Boy away from my face, I was treated to an even less favorable sight. I was surrounded by the terrorists, their guns drawn and every one of them with a scar on their face somewhere, like this was a thing in their culture.

“Baaaaaaaaaaaad dudes, huh?”, I said through my scarf. At this point, my lips are completely shot. I was going to have to get quite a few boys on a proper moisturizer.

“Not as bad as this dude, Solid.”, a voice said from above me. A man in a white coat stood on the staircase leading up the side of a large white metal tower. It billowed in the wind behind him, like he was a pretty lady in a harlequin romance novel.

It was my target, Dr. Sklvan, but he wasn’t in the position I had anticipated. I was thinking more of a bag over the head, no pants, dirty butt scenario, but this was a surprise. He held a remote in his hand with a large red button.

“Let me guess…”, I said, my lips really just to a point of ridiculous chap, “I just witnessed your research in action.” I gripped my dart gun tighter and tighter, hoping Koji had put some sort of pressure trigger that would blow everyone up if I just squeezed hard enough. He didn’t.

Dr. Sklvan simply smiled. He didn’t say anything.

“Did you hear me?” I wanted to make sure he heard me.

“Yes, Solid. I heard you.” He heard me.

 

To be continued…

Solid Man: Chapter 1

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Afghanistan. 22:00 o’ clock. The night was black, like the coffee in my Coleman thermos. The desert wind stung my face like so much bleach poured in my eyes. I kept my bandana, which was a lady’s scarf that I purchased at Hudson News in the airport, across my mouth and nose, like I saw in a movie once. I was ready for action.

The sandstorm had stirred up a while back and just kept going, like a faucet in the men’s room of a K-Mart with paper towels in the drain and then I never went to a K-Mart again. Hopefully, I could use it to my advantage.

I pulled my nightvision goggles back to my eyes to scope the area ahead. I saw 4 upright blobs move across my field of vision, or that could have just been my eyes recovering from the sand abrasions, they had been blasted pretty hard for a while since I tried to just squint my way through it and may have caused some permanent damage.

My plan was set: there was a metal staircase that winded it’s way up the cliff face.  I would use my cunning stealth and extreme tactical espionage to use the sandstorm as cover to ascend the cliff face.

“Espionage!” I screamed at the top of my lungs to begin my mission. I dove to the side of the rock, executed a roll and completely disoriented myself. Also, I was still wearing my goggles and they now lay across my face askew and half on. I readjusted them to locate my blobs. Straight ahead and maybe 20 feet from my current location….could have been 70, I can’t really make heads or tails of this interface.

I took off across the packed sand road. My feet found purchase across the road as if I were a strange emu of brawn and power. I kept track of the blobs and finally reached my destination with a loud clang as my head and goggles collided with the scaffolding on the temporary staircase. I was knocked to the ground, and in mid-fall, grabbed for my gun and began firing it wildly into the wind storm to defend myself and get the drop on these bad dudes.

Showtime.

To be continued….

Heavy Breathing Radio

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The slider went up, and the sound presented itself front and center.

“OH, SCARBO! You’re on with Papa Spanks!”, Charles screamed into the mic. He never distanced himself from his mic, but leaned in and tried his level best to shatter the diaphragm. Let them sort out the distortion in post.

“Umm…this is Jerry from Harbo. Second time caller, and a constant tuner….in.”, a shaky voice on the other end said.

“HARBO! I can’t get those jerkwater places sorted out in my head! Scarbo’s the one with the giant mechanical dipper that serves you any sort of soup from a Campbell’s soup can that you bring it, right?”.

“I…I have no idea. Scarbo is 4 towns east. It’s very inconvenient for Harboians to visit.”

“I bet.” Charles slams his hand on a large red button and 4 airhorns gaff taped to mic stands blast into a mic on the other end of the room. “What can Ol’ Papa Spanks play for you tonight?”.

“It’s my ex-wife’s second anniversary, congrats Beth and Gary, and I’d like to play for them the wma file that I just sent you from my Juno account.”

“Alright, hold on just a tic….”. The sound of Charlie clicking can be heard across the line. He squints and tilts his head upwards, as men of his age and background are prone to do. “Which-w…..what account did you send it to?”. His cursor was dancing aimlessly across his desktop.

“The one for Free Money Thursdays. I would have sent it to Breathers Inc,  but the b key doesn’t work on my phone.”

“YOU’RE ON WITH PAPA SPANKS IN THE MORNING! WFAQ 98.7 THE KIT! TRYING TO FIND AN EMAIL WITH OUR FRIEND FROM SCARBO!”.

“I’m-I’m from Harbo.”

Charlie leans back from the mic and turns towards his assistant in the mixing room. “Do we get Juno on this?”. His assistant runs in and silently typing on the computer. “WE’VE GOT BARRY ON THE JOB!”

“Good.”

“BARRY FOUND JUNO, HE HAD TO GET IT UP ON THE E BROWSER!”. Jerry was quiet on the other line.

“OKAY, JUST DOWNLOADING RIGHT NOW. VERY EXCITING STUFF…..WHERE SHOULD I SAVE THIS, BARRY?…………..DESKTOP IS FULL…….”. Charlie hits another button on his separate PC that is dedicated to media playback and a Kelsey Grammar soundboard. A sultry British voice presents herself, backed by a synthetic orchestra completely obliterating any attempt of presenting a consistent level.

“This is Papa Spanks and Barry in the morning. Get your affairs in order and tune right in right now.” A chorus of 4 men and 2 women explodes into the mix as the synth instruments climax into a standard Rock stinger as they sing “SPANKS AND ENGINEER BARRY IN THE MORNINGS! WFAQ 98.7 THE KIT!”.

“Okay…”,  Jerry says into the screaming cacophony of digital instruments. “Okay.”

“AND WE’RE OPENING WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER, JERRY FROM SCARBO! ANNNNNNNNNNNNNND..”.

The sound of heavy breathing fills the airways. The inhalation hitches in places as the source appears to be exerting energy somewhere. Charlie lets the breathing play uninterrupted for 4 minutes, smiling and holding his headphones to his head. Barry stands in the mixing room and faces the corner sobbing. Jerry quietly agrees with his recording as it plays.

“THIS IS FOR YOU, BETH. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.”, Charlie erupts at one point, then goes silent for another 6 minutes as the breathing continues, phlemy and obstructed.

At some point, Jerry hangs up the phone, but Charlie doesn’t know. He can’t know, because he is gone in the breathing. It has broadened and deepened like a river, a river he floats down to nothingness.

Jerry takes a cab across town to see Beth. There’s no traffic, because no one misses Papa Spanks in the morning.

A short while later, Charlie comes to and stops the recording. He slams his hand on the red button, the air horns blast, and everyone is back.

“PAPA SPANKS WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO…”, he jams his finger onto the keyboard to play the next song, first hitting the N key, then the plastic directly below the space bar, then the space bar. Under The Boardwalk begins, along with a new day.

George Clooney Plays Tetris Attack

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“Why’s this game called Tetris Attack? It’s nothing like Tetris. It’s a lot like Bejeweled. I bet this is where they got Bejeweled from. Oh! Oh! I just comboed! Better look out Brad, looks like that streak of yours is about to end. Those blocks look mad too. They gonna get cha’!”

Brad scratched at his beard. “Why do you still have a Super Nintendo?”

George paused the game, and looked at Brad with the utmost incredulity. “Because…it’s super, duh. I hope you don’t ask questions like that when Depp gets here”

George Clooney Plays Nintendo Switch

It was still dark when Amal Clooney woke up in an empty bed.

“George?” She called, but she received no response. Rousing herself, and girding herself in a robe most luxuriant, she went seeking. She poked her head in the bathroom, but no George. She next went to his office, but still he wasn’t to be found. She went downstairs, and started through the kitchen.

“George, where are you? The twins and I got lonle –” She paused. She had found him in their living area standing next to their entertainment center. He was lifting their new Nintendo Switch out of it’s dock, and setting back in repeatedly. The click of the dock receiving the tablet was the only sound to be heard.

*Click*

*Click*

“George?” she offered in an inquiring tone.

“Amal!” His voice was hushed. “Come close” He held out his hand, and kneeled as she drew near.

“Do you hear that babies?” He said quietly addressing her stomach. “That’s the sound of the biggest videogame company in the world learning a lesson from Daddys most favoritest game ever!”

*Click*

*Click*

As Amal brushed her hand through her husbands hair, she contemplated that of all the moments Tetris had given them, this was the most beautiful. They stood there, neither one speaking, listening to the sounds of their childrens future.

*Click*

*Click*

*Click*

George Clooney Plays Tetris

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It was a rainy Sunday afternoon. Amal was out, and George decided to sit down and really dig into a game of Tetris. He had forgotten how simple and rewarding a game could be. So easy. Everything just seemed to fit in its right place. Like that great Radiohead song. He then thought of Radiohead, and how he and Thom Yorke would totally get along. They both had ideas about improving the planet, after all.

‘If only it were so easy…like tetris!’ George thought. ‘if only only all the worlds ills would disappear after one last straight piece.’ as he was busy thinking about this he failed to notice his own last piece was in fact an L, and not straight at all. Three lines disappeared.

“Crud,” George thought. “Crud”

Roundtables: How To Go Meme featuring The Virals Doctor: Charles Mouth

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Charles: I offer you the opportunity to buckle up, audience. Cause, it’s time for the best take on the net. It’s “Roundtables”

(The opening stinger is the sound of 14 french horns playing different melodies simultaneously as a smart take on how much the internet is.)

Charles: Alright, Ladies and Sperms! It’s time for the smartest minds on the neter-stry to give their take on what’s fresh web-side. TO-night, it’s: How Do You Go Meme? Lot’s of folks out there in the region know they have viral content just ready to spread like cinnamon butter on so many bread-minds. But, they may beg the question: just how do I animate my dreams into 30 second video clips, doc? You’re gonna find out a lot about us and yourselves this evening. Alright, turning to our left here we’ve got Dr. Shreves from the zoneload.com. 

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Shreves: Thanks for asking, Charles. At Zoneload, we are always looking for talented voices. And by talented voices, I mean animals getting harmed in some way. If it isn’t a drunk guy backing his RAV 4 into a reptile enclosure, it’s an endangered Giant Panda getting lost inside a building and ultimately falling down some stairs. The point is that animals are like weird versions of people and it’s about celebrating those moments that make you say: “Uh oh!” Memetastic and also… MEME LIKEY!!!

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Charles: As far as takes go, I just burnt my handles on it cause EW BABY THAT’S A HOT ONE! I’ve actually noticed myself trying to get more involved with environment since I’ve started this career. That’s why I regularly fly a Bowing 747 over southern Africa and throw raw meat out the door. Now over to Dr. Twinds from smartexplain.com

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Twinds: Every body out there knows the thrill of learning a science in less than a minute and then explaining it to your opposite gendered office manager in the brake room as if you have been performing arduous scientific research in your spare time when really you saw me telling you that Roos got pouches. So, first rule of making your viral vid is: What am I teaching America? If it is some quasi-science thing like all bugs are constantly contending with rigor mortis and that’s why they are all crunchy, then yes. Do that. Or like apples are actually tree poops, then you nailed it. Look for that.

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Charles: I’m responding to that observation faster than I can to my own wife. I have actually seen some dead bodies before and I accidentally thought giant bugs exist. Thank the heaven man I did not employ the giant fly swatter that I have ready for just such an occasion. Okay, onto you Dr. Risque from risque.biz

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Risque: I place the spotlight on family oriented content that can be modified later to be taken outside the insanely boring confines of family life. Such as Donkey from Shrek asking where the nearest strip club is or the snowman from Frozen wanting to be made into a special snow cone with non-family beverage in it. The point is that family things need to be taken to a depraved area where we can be free to explore our non-family identities. BACK TO YOU MOUTH.

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Charles: Yes. I need to see “when you finally get it” beneath a picture of Woody making a face. That’s really hitting the areas for me. Memes are the new Calvin peeing on a car company logo. Alright, we are now going to get a massive sermon on internet from our mystering guest: Dr. Spanish from show-me-alls.coin

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Spanish: I request silence! The others have played into the hands of the internati and the webleetists! Those are played out and boring concepts and I demand something straight off the counter! I don’t care how easy or pointless it is! It needs to be NOW! Hear me, you saggy drabs! First, gimme something that doesn’t even explain it’s own premise. Like, I just want it to be a baby stuck inside one of those bouncy ball containers in Walmart and you can kind of see it’s face and then suddenly something violently drags it towards God knows where and then you hear people laughing. Or, okay! How about an old lady yelling the N-Word inside a bank? Or how about someone who has won a contest to be invited to the red carpet premiere of some movie and he prepares a sandwich that secretly has industrial grade staples and carpet bindings inside and then the guy throws the entire sandwich in John Stamos’s face? Or how about a woman in a wedding dress running from the altar by being carried away by a dude wearing a Tetris block costume? Listen, I could go all day and I do. Because that is what is internet. The point is that I can have anything in any combination at any point and it makes me powerful to have access to that. There is no turning back. We have to embrace it like Tyga embracing terminal children… publicly!  Otherwise, we have nothing. If I fall in the forest and no one is there to see me then do I make a sound? If you don’t hear me, I AM NOTHINNNGNNGNGNNGNG!!! CHARLES!!!!

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Charles: That ends Roundtables.

– The Superb

Why Nintendo Is Stupid and 5 Things They Can Do To Not Be Stupid

 

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Hey, guys. This is Jumbo Gamer and I’ve got to get something off my chest. I know it may not be a popular opinion, so get ready for this…Nintendo is STUPID.

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Oooo, did that trigger some of you fanboys? Am I going to get a bunch of emails and tweets now about how wrong I am and how Xbox One is stupid? Well, before you do, let me explain something.

I was the biggest Nintendo fan ever. I got like 72 stars in Mario 64 and rented Pilotwings once as a kid. I know what I’m talking about. And don’t think I don’t love Nintendo. In fact, I have a sexy Zelda desktop wallpaper on my computer right now and drove 3 hours to Columbus last year to a Ramada ballroom and placed 72nd in a Smash Brawl tournament.

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So, ummmm, yeah. I know what I’m talking about, posers.

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Anywho, Nintendo is pretty much stupid now. Just look at this.

WHAT IS THAT?! That’s not Metroid! I played Metroid Prime Hunters, okay. I know. What about this?

What the jiff is a Pikmin?! Nintendo probably thinks Spongebob is still cool.

Also, Wii U was stupid. Yeah, I said it.

Now, here’s 5 things they can do to be cooler:

Voice chat in games – You all know from watching my streams on my YouTube page (JumboStreamer452) that I love me some pownage, and how can I get my pownage if can’t harass you over the internet. LAME.

 

More Midna in things – Nintendo has their best character that they do like nothing with. Why can’t we have Legend of Midna instead of Zelda. Legend of Zelda doesn’t even make sense. ITS ABOUT LINK, STUPID. Plus, she’s hot and reminds me of my sister.

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Put Mario on PlayStation – Nintendo, give it up. You can’t make systems anymore. They’re all stupid and no one will ever buy them again. I saw a kid in Walmart the other day and his Mom asked him what a Wii U was. PSSSH! FAIL! Put Mario in PlayStation and accept the inevitable.

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Make the Wii Hammer game – Nintendo has one killer app in their sleeve: the Wii demo where you swing a hammer around for no reason. Why don’t they release it? DO THEY NOT LIKE MONEY? Guess not.

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Let me marry Midna

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Nintendo needs to get woke on this before Xbox and PlayStation start putting their games on their system.  Just do it, Nintendo.

-Jumbo Gamer

Goodbye Dogs, Hello Omnisandwich! A Report of the B’Tasty 2016 Press Conference

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We live in dark times. Crime is rampant, moral values has dropped to astonishing degree, celebrity has become more valuable than ability and goodness, dark prophecies of the return of fierce ancient gods has hit a fever pitch, and all the dogs are disappearing. Explanations for this phenomenon have varied from the ride of the Garth Brooks clan to the lack of quality dog meats in American grocery stores to allow them to hit ideal mating temperatures for breeders. While this development is disturbing and saddening to many, one company has a different message.

“Listen, dogs had their chance, and they blew it.” states Johnny Johnstackio, CEO of B’Tasty Inc from the stage of their press conference held in the John Ritter Memorial Colosseum. “Wastin’ all that time sleepin’ around on a towel or whatever, chasing mailmen or somethin’. What did they give back to society? Nadda nuthin BADA BOOM!”. At this point, he gestures wildly and his cufflinks fly off of his sleeve and hit a reporter in the eye.

“Which is why myself and a bunch of these jamokes over here at Briejcorp, we started looking at this and saying to ourselves ‘Guys, there is a tremendous opportunity to make some money and bring happiness to everyone across the Earth. But…MORE THAN THAT…stick it to those dogs…”

At this Johnstackio turns in a grand sweeping gesture to the video wall behind him with a picture of an Italian sub on it with a collar and leash attached.

“Ladies and gentlemen and good ol’ Italian pasta big boys..”, he points to several large Italian men in the audience chuckling , patting their stomachs in anticipation and straightening their sleeves, “On behalf on of B’Tasty Inc, a subsidiary of Briejcorp and Creton-Foucher Pharmaceuticals…The Omnisandwich – JUST LIKE MA USED TO DO.” The audience gasps and the sound of digital shutter releases all out of sync becomes a deafening roar.

“Dis guy right here is not only gonna change your life, it’s gonna rip a great big hole right in reality itself.” Johnstackio waves one of their participants onto the stage: a blonde haired girl in her mid-twenties holding a leash on what is most definitely a floating sandwich. the sandwich is wearing a vest around it’s baguette that says RIP DOGS.

“LOOK AT THAT! WHAT FRIGGIN’ DOG COULD DO THAT?! You show me a dog who can float and be a sandwich better than dis guy right here (at this point, Dis Guy Right Here appeared on screen as copyrighted logo), I’ll kick you friggin’ teeth in, capiche?”. He does the thing where he puts his fingers together and holds them up. He has established an understanding with the audience.

“So, yeah, dis girl right here (logo appears again) is walking what appears to be a sandwich, would it not?”. A “YES” sign directly above the stage illuminates brightly and everyone in the audience simultaneously, at least to the best of our ability, says “YES”, especially after he did the fingers thing. We don’t want to let him down. “Dis guy right here (logo) is using what’s called a zero-point energy field to manipulate the field of reality around him. You see, dis here sandwich isn’t actually moving. It’s we who are moving around it.” At this point, the audience gasps simultaneously and reaches under their seats for their own Omnisandwich. They have been trained to expect gifts under their seats, but they are sorely disappointed.

“But hold on, dis guy is also…”, he picks up the sandwich, it struggling in his grip but he managing to get the mastery over it and chomping down on the end of it with an audible crunch, “…one mean moffa of ma sammich”, he says, sentient salami and vinaigrette dripping down his double chin. Suddenly, a deep scream erupts from the sandwich, shaking the lights above. Johnstackio is looking up at the lights in bewilderment, and looks backstage at the personnel. Faintly, you can hear their voices, but it’s only Johnstackio, who is still mic’d, who comes through with a loud and puzzled “Don’t eat it? What the frig not? It’s a dam….”.

Johnstackio stops dead and a look of absolutely horror comes across his face as his gaze drops to the floor. He places his hands on his knees, and bends over as if he was going to vomit. A voice comes over the PA system that is not his own. “Ladies and gentlemen, the B’Tasty Press Conference has ended. We thank you for your participation and ask that you please head to the exits in a calm and orderly fashion. Remember to always B’Tasty!”.

As we exited, we hear a cry of anguish erupt from Johnstackio. Those who looked back could see no more than a silhouette of a man who had quite possibly bitten off way more than he could chew.

REVIEW: While B’Tasty’s Omnisandwich reveal left us with more questions than answers, the reveal was undoubtedly a hint of a game changer. This reporter is lining up day one for his own Omnisandwich. 4/5

-The Superb