Roundtables: How To Go Meme featuring The Virals Doctor: Charles Mouth

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Charles: I offer you the opportunity to buckle up, audience. Cause, it’s time for the best take on the net. It’s “Roundtables”

(The opening stinger is the sound of 14 french horns playing different melodies simultaneously as a smart take on how much the internet is.)

Charles: Alright, Ladies and Sperms! It’s time for the smartest minds on the neter-stry to give their take on what’s fresh web-side. TO-night, it’s: How Do You Go Meme? Lot’s of folks out there in the region know they have viral content just ready to spread like cinnamon butter on so many bread-minds. But, they may beg the question: just how do I animate my dreams into 30 second video clips, doc? You’re gonna find out a lot about us and yourselves this evening. Alright, turning to our left here we’ve got Dr. Shreves from the zoneload.com. 

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Shreves: Thanks for asking, Charles. At Zoneload, we are always looking for talented voices. And by talented voices, I mean animals getting harmed in some way. If it isn’t a drunk guy backing his RAV 4 into a reptile enclosure, it’s an endangered Giant Panda getting lost inside a building and ultimately falling down some stairs. The point is that animals are like weird versions of people and it’s about celebrating those moments that make you say: “Uh oh!” Memetastic and also… MEME LIKEY!!!

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Charles: As far as takes go, I just burnt my handles on it cause EW BABY THAT’S A HOT ONE! I’ve actually noticed myself trying to get more involved with environment since I’ve started this career. That’s why I regularly fly a Bowing 747 over southern Africa and throw raw meat out the door. Now over to Dr. Twinds from smartexplain.com

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Twinds: Every body out there knows the thrill of learning a science in less than a minute and then explaining it to your opposite gendered office manager in the brake room as if you have been performing arduous scientific research in your spare time when really you saw me telling you that Roos got pouches. So, first rule of making your viral vid is: What am I teaching America? If it is some quasi-science thing like all bugs are constantly contending with rigor mortis and that’s why they are all crunchy, then yes. Do that. Or like apples are actually tree poops, then you nailed it. Look for that.

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Charles: I’m responding to that observation faster than I can to my own wife. I have actually seen some dead bodies before and I accidentally thought giant bugs exist. Thank the heaven man I did not employ the giant fly swatter that I have ready for just such an occasion. Okay, onto you Dr. Risque from risque.biz

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Risque: I place the spotlight on family oriented content that can be modified later to be taken outside the insanely boring confines of family life. Such as Donkey from Shrek asking where the nearest strip club is or the snowman from Frozen wanting to be made into a special snow cone with non-family beverage in it. The point is that family things need to be taken to a depraved area where we can be free to explore our non-family identities. BACK TO YOU MOUTH.

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Charles: Yes. I need to see “when you finally get it” beneath a picture of Woody making a face. That’s really hitting the areas for me. Memes are the new Calvin peeing on a car company logo. Alright, we are now going to get a massive sermon on internet from our mystering guest: Dr. Spanish from show-me-alls.coin

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Spanish: I request silence! The others have played into the hands of the internati and the webleetists! Those are played out and boring concepts and I demand something straight off the counter! I don’t care how easy or pointless it is! It needs to be NOW! Hear me, you saggy drabs! First, gimme something that doesn’t even explain it’s own premise. Like, I just want it to be a baby stuck inside one of those bouncy ball containers in Walmart and you can kind of see it’s face and then suddenly something violently drags it towards God knows where and then you hear people laughing. Or, okay! How about an old lady yelling the N-Word inside a bank? Or how about someone who has won a contest to be invited to the red carpet premiere of some movie and he prepares a sandwich that secretly has industrial grade staples and carpet bindings inside and then the guy throws the entire sandwich in John Stamos’s face? Or how about a woman in a wedding dress running from the altar by being carried away by a dude wearing a Tetris block costume? Listen, I could go all day and I do. Because that is what is internet. The point is that I can have anything in any combination at any point and it makes me powerful to have access to that. There is no turning back. We have to embrace it like Tyga embracing terminal children… publicly!  Otherwise, we have nothing. If I fall in the forest and no one is there to see me then do I make a sound? If you don’t hear me, I AM NOTHINNNGNNGNGNNGNG!!! CHARLES!!!!

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Charles: That ends Roundtables.

– The Superb

Why Nintendo Is Stupid and 5 Things They Can Do To Not Be Stupid

 

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Hey, guys. This is Jumbo Gamer and I’ve got to get something off my chest. I know it may not be a popular opinion, so get ready for this…Nintendo is STUPID.

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Oooo, did that trigger some of you fanboys? Am I going to get a bunch of emails and tweets now about how wrong I am and how Xbox One is stupid? Well, before you do, let me explain something.

I was the biggest Nintendo fan ever. I got like 72 stars in Mario 64 and rented Pilotwings once as a kid. I know what I’m talking about. And don’t think I don’t love Nintendo. In fact, I have a sexy Zelda desktop wallpaper on my computer right now and drove 3 hours to Columbus last year to a Ramada ballroom and placed 72nd in a Smash Brawl tournament.

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So, ummmm, yeah. I know what I’m talking about, posers.

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Anywho, Nintendo is pretty much stupid now. Just look at this.

WHAT IS THAT?! That’s not Metroid! I played Metroid Prime Hunters, okay. I know. What about this?

What the jiff is a Pikmin?! Nintendo probably thinks Spongebob is still cool.

Also, Wii U was stupid. Yeah, I said it.

Now, here’s 5 things they can do to be cooler:

Voice chat in games – You all know from watching my streams on my YouTube page (JumboStreamer452) that I love me some pownage, and how can I get my pownage if can’t harass you over the internet. LAME.

 

More Midna in things – Nintendo has their best character that they do like nothing with. Why can’t we have Legend of Midna instead of Zelda. Legend of Zelda doesn’t even make sense. ITS ABOUT LINK, STUPID. Plus, she’s hot and reminds me of my sister.

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Put Mario on PlayStation – Nintendo, give it up. You can’t make systems anymore. They’re all stupid and no one will ever buy them again. I saw a kid in Walmart the other day and his Mom asked him what a Wii U was. PSSSH! FAIL! Put Mario in PlayStation and accept the inevitable.

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Make the Wii Hammer game – Nintendo has one killer app in their sleeve: the Wii demo where you swing a hammer around for no reason. Why don’t they release it? DO THEY NOT LIKE MONEY? Guess not.

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Let me marry Midna

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Nintendo needs to get woke on this before Xbox and PlayStation start putting their games on their system.  Just do it, Nintendo.

-Jumbo Gamer

Goodbye Dogs, Hello Omnisandwich! A Report of the B’Tasty 2016 Press Conference

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We live in dark times. Crime is rampant, moral values has dropped to astonishing degree, celebrity has become more valuable than ability and goodness, dark prophecies of the return of fierce ancient gods has hit a fever pitch, and all the dogs are disappearing. Explanations for this phenomenon have varied from the ride of the Garth Brooks clan to the lack of quality dog meats in American grocery stores to allow them to hit ideal mating temperatures for breeders. While this development is disturbing and saddening to many, one company has a different message.

“Listen, dogs had their chance, and they blew it.” states Johnny Johnstackio, CEO of B’Tasty Inc from the stage of their press conference held in the John Ritter Memorial Colosseum. “Wastin’ all that time sleepin’ around on a towel or whatever, chasing mailmen or somethin’. What did they give back to society? Nadda nuthin BADA BOOM!”. At this point, he gestures wildly and his cufflinks fly off of his sleeve and hit a reporter in the eye.

“Which is why myself and a bunch of these jamokes over here at Briejcorp, we started looking at this and saying to ourselves ‘Guys, there is a tremendous opportunity to make some money and bring happiness to everyone across the Earth. But…MORE THAN THAT…stick it to those dogs…”

At this Johnstackio turns in a grand sweeping gesture to the video wall behind him with a picture of an Italian sub on it with a collar and leash attached.

“Ladies and gentlemen and good ol’ Italian pasta big boys..”, he points to several large Italian men in the audience chuckling , patting their stomachs in anticipation and straightening their sleeves, “On behalf on of B’Tasty Inc, a subsidiary of Briejcorp and Creton-Foucher Pharmaceuticals…The Omnisandwich – JUST LIKE MA USED TO DO.” The audience gasps and the sound of digital shutter releases all out of sync becomes a deafening roar.

“Dis guy right here is not only gonna change your life, it’s gonna rip a great big hole right in reality itself.” Johnstackio waves one of their participants onto the stage: a blonde haired girl in her mid-twenties holding a leash on what is most definitely a floating sandwich. the sandwich is wearing a vest around it’s baguette that says RIP DOGS.

“LOOK AT THAT! WHAT FRIGGIN’ DOG COULD DO THAT?! You show me a dog who can float and be a sandwich better than dis guy right here (at this point, Dis Guy Right Here appeared on screen as copyrighted logo), I’ll kick you friggin’ teeth in, capiche?”. He does the thing where he puts his fingers together and holds them up. He has established an understanding with the audience.

“So, yeah, dis girl right here (logo appears again) is walking what appears to be a sandwich, would it not?”. A “YES” sign directly above the stage illuminates brightly and everyone in the audience simultaneously, at least to the best of our ability, says “YES”, especially after he did the fingers thing. We don’t want to let him down. “Dis guy right here (logo) is using what’s called a zero-point energy field to manipulate the field of reality around him. You see, dis here sandwich isn’t actually moving. It’s we who are moving around it.” At this point, the audience gasps simultaneously and reaches under their seats for their own Omnisandwich. They have been trained to expect gifts under their seats, but they are sorely disappointed.

“But hold on, dis guy is also…”, he picks up the sandwich, it struggling in his grip but he managing to get the mastery over it and chomping down on the end of it with an audible crunch, “…one mean moffa of ma sammich”, he says, sentient salami and vinaigrette dripping down his double chin. Suddenly, a deep scream erupts from the sandwich, shaking the lights above. Johnstackio is looking up at the lights in bewilderment, and looks backstage at the personnel. Faintly, you can hear their voices, but it’s only Johnstackio, who is still mic’d, who comes through with a loud and puzzled “Don’t eat it? What the frig not? It’s a dam….”.

Johnstackio stops dead and a look of absolutely horror comes across his face as his gaze drops to the floor. He places his hands on his knees, and bends over as if he was going to vomit. A voice comes over the PA system that is not his own. “Ladies and gentlemen, the B’Tasty Press Conference has ended. We thank you for your participation and ask that you please head to the exits in a calm and orderly fashion. Remember to always B’Tasty!”.

As we exited, we hear a cry of anguish erupt from Johnstackio. Those who looked back could see no more than a silhouette of a man who had quite possibly bitten off way more than he could chew.

REVIEW: While B’Tasty’s Omnisandwich reveal left us with more questions than answers, the reveal was undoubtedly a hint of a game changer. This reporter is lining up day one for his own Omnisandwich. 4/5

-The Superb

Welcome to Art

 

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Hello. Yes, I am Art. Welcome to me.

This arrangement will be beneficial and good. You will enjoy this good.

Myself is one, maybe two things. I spread them across the walls and on the floor of this room here.

This small man is manipulating me across this space and others for public consumption. He gives you a swallow to take to your house and those you have discuss with.

I target a craving beam to you. Now you consume and you love and you hate me. But you eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.

We are an us now. You have written your definition in my name.

She does not eat and she is worthless to us. She is an idiot and I can’t handle this.

 

RC Cola & The Paul Harvey Memorial and Endowment for the Blogging Arts Presents: The 4th Annual THE THE SUPERB BLOG ACADEMY-INSTITUTE OF AWARDS FOR BLOGGING EXCELLENCE AWARDS or THE PERBIES (Part 1)

(Adorned with faux Gothic vaulting and ornamentation, evoking an implacable divine authority, comparable with great Catholic cathedrals, the Boomchickapop Theatre is buzzing with expectation.)

(Lights; Near to deafening applause)

Announcer: Good evening and welcome to the 4th Annual THE THE SUPERB BLOG ACADEMY-INSTITUTE OF AWARDS FOR BLOGGING EXCELLENCE AWARDS, presented by RC Cola and The Paul Harvey Memorial and Endowment for the Blogging Arts.

(Somehow, the volume increases.)

Announcer: And now… here’s the host for tonight’s proceedings: NEIL PATRICK HARRIIIIIIIISSSSSSS!

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(Along of the reverberation of the floridly crafted ceiling arches, the echo and volume of the applause seems to compact physical space like a vice.)

(Strings and horns erupt, cutting through the applause, playing a 50’s style show-tune at breakneck tempo, accented with harmonic bleeps and bloops that represent the presence of the electric medium being celebrated. Harris, suddenly ascending from the podium begins his verse.)

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Harris: Gooood day! Let’s all say it the Paul Harvey way! Gooood day!  The blog is where everyone has got a say! We don’t ask for much else! We needn’t gone to CALEL! YALE, PRINCETON, UC SANTA CRUZ, we all get to comment on the news! It’s bloooging! Ew baby, we’re all oogling! Looky-me, I had a thought! You’ll all hear it, like it or not!! It’s bloooging! No time for slogging! Cause we all a flash in a pan, we’re each our one and only fans, but (the tempo slows down to about half pace) EW BABY, AT LEAST I GOT MY DRINK, EW BABY, AT LEAST I GOT MY ARRRRCEEEEEEE!!!

(Applause again and it almost physically hurts)

Harris: Alright! Ladies and Gentles, it’s I! You’re man of the SOUR, the guy who always does these things, your lovable fancy man! I know, I know, they’re gonna have to pay me to not do award show now, but hey, I guy needs a hobby and unfortunately I’m running out of space in my house for self-portraits.

(Neil does a ballet kick.)

Harris: So, I think you know why I would be invited to do a blogging awards show… I’m a narcissist! No, but seriously every man, woman and child enjoyed Dr. Horrible without a known exception.

(Another kick)

Harris: So, what’s up for tonight? Tons of great prizes are being delivered to the all time greats in all of blogging without an conflicts of INTEREST!

(Kick, more applause, but now it’s seems to be funneled in from the speakers)

Harris: Mkay, let’s let us have it! Okay, our first award is presented by Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black!

(The body of Neil swiftly plummets into the floor via trap door, only to be regurgitated a few feet away from the podium. The stage set is constantly shifting in appearance, hypnotically shuffling between shapes and colors, styles and motifs. The audience is apparently unperturbed by this, perhaps only further enchanted as Aniston and Black make their way to the podium. Both Aniston and Black are exquisitely dressed. Aniston, accustomed to events such as these, strides with dignity, whereas Black seems to be deliberately walking so as to accentuate his belly.

Aniston: Good evening!

Black: 

Aniston: Is everyone excited to be at The Perbies, huh?

(Audience applause)

(Black doesn’t applaud. He stares vacantly.)

Black: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

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(Belting out a huge scream, Black only receives more adoration from and the audience.)

Aniston: Oh no!

 

Black: Check out my PROGRAMS!

(Walking toward the audience, again in the same awkward and unbecoming manner, Black proceeds to hand out flyers that extensively outline Jack Black-specific charities. Apparently, Jack Black will, out of pocket, pay for hundreds of Jack Black look-a-likes to go with him to remote villages in the south pacific and hand out fistfuls of American dollars.)

Aniston: What a great guuyyyyyy.

Black: I have long term appeal.

(Black air guitars.)

Black: So! On to the biz-nastry! Our first award of the evening is the coveted Best Leading Woman in Blog Award. This have been presented to some of the baddest gals in the biz-narsty, TILDA, MERRYL, JULIANNE! Who will join the chick-pantheon tonight?

Aniston: (fake throat clearing thing) Ahem.

(Black doesn’t seem to notice the joke and moves right passed it.)

Black: Our nominees: Juks from “3 Human Races I Just Came Up With and Why I Don’t Them” by Austen, Sophie Chiswell Math from “Villagers: Sophie Chiswell Math” by Anthony, and Helen Hunt from “Celebrity Acid Test – Film Edition” by Jeff.

(Aniston now assumes the vacant expression Black donned previously.)

Black: And the first Perbie of the evening goes to: Sophie Chiswell Math! Villagers!

(Anthony gives a nearby fancy dog a smooch on the cheek and begins to make his way through an endless sea of chairs. When finally reaching the stage, his pace shifts as he catches the eye of Neil Patrick Harris. He points. Neil points back. Anthony saunters slowly toward the podium, looking as though stunned to receive this honor.)

Anthony: Huh…

(Licking lips)

(Anthony looks up with a playful grin on his face, it’s that looks we all know and love.)

Anthony: …uh…uh-huh…

(He keeps looking up, shifting his gaze from the right side of the ceiling to the left.)

Anthony: ….uh….yeeeaah…

(He crosses his arms, and rests his left elbow on his crossed arm and then rests his chin on his upturned hand. The audience recognizes this as his signature move, and goes completely insane. Anthony turns to inspect the opposite side of the auditorium, now it his hands on his hips. His head is turned at such a severe angle, the audience behind him can nearly see his Adam’s Apple, which is a hard cider he brews and keeps in a small wooden barrel under his chin at all times.)

Anthony:….uh…YEEEAAAAHHHHH….

(The crowd could not be more in love with him. Several women approach the stage and propose to him in a cacophony of love-drenched expressions.)

Anthony: ….so…ummm…

(He looks up and grins. The audience can’t stand it anymore. Cut to Martin Scorsese losing his mind. Forget the Oscars, this is what he’s been waiting for.)

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Anthony: Guys…

(Anthony looks at the camera, and beckons it closer with his finger, as a seductive lover would to her passion. The cameraman is compelled to zoom closer and closer, his olive tinted skin and brilliant hazel eyes becoming clearer and clearer. Those watching with 4k TVs in the country begin to weep uncontrollably.)

Anthony: ….

(Anthony opens his mouth, but right when he starts to say something, Neil Patrick catches his eye off to the side of the stage, and Anthony sees it. He points over to him, and beings laughing. Everyone knows what this means. This means everything to everyone. Anthony grabs his Perbie, which is a statue of Grandpa Fanny in a lounge chair, and shakes it to the sky. Each thrust emits a beam of light from the Perbie. Anthony accelerates his fist pumps with the audience roaring so loudly that every microphone begins to crumple. He stops and bends over, pumping his Perbie downwards. David Oyelowo begins to weep.)

Anthony: I need everyone…..

(Anthony pauses, and smile-points to Neil Patrick Harris again.)

Anthony: …I need everyone in this room….in this NATION…to say it one time with me…..are you ready?

(Hugh Jackman climbs on top of his seat and begins squating in anticipation. Julianne Moore is behind him, and she cannot contain herself.)

Anthony: One……. two……

(He and the entire nations breathe in with him, consuming more oxygen in one moment than in the entire of history of the planet.)

Everyone: NOT MY CHIPPO, GRANDPAAAOOOOP!!!

Anthony: thankyouverymuchthismeansalottomegoodb–

(Music EXPLODES from directly above him as they blast him off the stage. Harris applauds and smiles warmly as he returns to his hosting station.)

Harris: Wow… I…

(Harris seems to be getting sincerely emotional. His eyes glisten.)

Harris: I’ve watched that guy for years and now… Oh man… What a way to start off the evening!

(Harris’s gaze tends toward the monitors. He crosses and uncrosses his legs.)

Harris: We all know what a central and high position The Superb blogging holds in our culture. It’s the way we literally frame and classify our world. Although, there are many voices in the blog-a-sphere, but when we think history, class and artistry, we invariably think The Superb.

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(Applause)

Harris: This is an evening where the industry has an opportunity to thank those who make it all possible and who delight us with their outstanding behaviors. And now to present The Shortest The Superb Blog Entry Award, Jennifer Lopez and Chris Pine!

(Lopez and Pine amble up, as Harris goes from zero to full sprint and runs vertically up one of the marble columns until out of sight. Pine does a thing where he’s pretending to limbo. Lopez catches him doing this and play-slaps his arm.)

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Pine: Hello!

Lopez: It’s honor to be presenting.

Pine: Well, if I may Jen… We’re all very excited about your upcoming appearance in The Superb article: “Jennifer Lopez Bakes Herself Into A Giant Loaf of Bread”.

(Audience doesn’t clap, but applauds by making the applause noise with your breath when you polish an apple.)

Lopez: Thank you, Chris. I remember reading The Superb for the first time right after I had placed myself in a giant mixing bowl and turned it on. After a couple spins, I got out and picked up The Superb and I just imagined what they could do with this new project and Chris… we’ve had a lot of loafs!

Pine: You kneed to do this!

Lopez: Well, I’m just doing it for the doe!

Pine: That’s what it’s like to be in the upper crust.

Lopez: I’m really rising to the occasion.

Pine: I hope no one gets Sour-though!

Lopez: Chris, you have such a rye wit!

(Pine and Lopez continue to exchange bread puns for another 95 seconds. It doesn’t appear to be scripted. The audience remains silent in rapt attention.)

Lopez: That’s cause I go against the grain!

Pine: Everyone! Let’s toast to the woman with the best buns in town!

Lopez: Oh, Chris! You’re pita-ful!

(Pine wipes away a tear, he’s laughing so hard.)

Pine: Okay, gotta… Gotta get it together.

Lopez: This where people like us come to have a good time, Chris!

Pine: So true!

Lopez: And tonight’s nominees for The Shortest The Superb Blog Entry Award are “2 Chainz Goes Shopping” by Jeff and “A Guy Gets a Package” by Jeff.

Pine: And the winner…

(You can barely catch Pine crossing his fingers and saying “Please, please, please.” under his breath. They open the envelope. Pine sees the winner. You can tell it’s the one he wanted.)

Pine: “A Guy Gets a Package by Jeff!

Lopez: Yay!

(Jeff is somehow on stage before Lopez exclaims “Yay!” immediately after Pine’s announcement. In his classic relaxed composure, he walks very slowly up to Pine and Lopez. He embraces Pine. They’ve clearly worked together before. He offers only a solemn nod to J. Lo. Jeff’s demeanor, his dry-yet-humorous little reactions to receiving his reward elicits cascades of laughter. Jeff pretends that the award is so heavy and that he can’t lift it. This sends Stallone over board.)

 

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(Jeff does a travesty of a little girl’s curtsy and skips around with the award. It works.)

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(Neil almost steps in to direct Jeff toward the podium. But, he restrains himself. Jeff again assumes his usual neutral expression.)

Jeff:

(The audience waits attentively.)

Jeff: …um… Cool….

(Jeff walks off stage.)

///

STAY TUNED FOR “THE BEST COMMENT AWARD” AND “THE FUNNIEST BLOG AWARD” IN PART 2…

 

 

Celebrity Acid Test – Film Edition

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In recent years our culture has begun to experience an ever increasing attitude of division that often culminates in vitriol. Opinions no longer are representative of passing thoughts, but of self, of entire identity. The press has done little to alleviate this problem, often the converse, fomenting ridged divisions with microwave or even purple journalism. Unfortunately, often caught in the crosshairs, nay the very heart of such divisive opinions are individuals that are nothing but deserving of praise. Our film stars. These selfless angels who take time away from family and the responsibilities of “basic” life to provide for us; to giveth unto us the good times, are often targets for venomous, acidic, diatribe.

Yet, they keep giving. What kindness. It was with this in mind, that we at The Superb began to question if these individuals are made of stronger stuff. So we assembled four personalities from the world of film and tested them against various acids to see just how indestructible they really are. Our panel consist of Macaulay Culkin, Helen Hunt, Greg Kinnear, Cuba Gooding Jr. (Note: We realize three of these individuals starred in the film As Good as It Gets further cementing our earlier point of actors being superior minds, as they had same inclination to sign on to said film)

Test 1 – Words

We started by reading the worst reviews we could find to the stars, though not necessarily works the actors themselves were featured in. We realized our error later may have contributed to the nonplussed reactions, but for thoroughness sake said reactions have still been included.

Culkin – After reading half of one review for The Crow, perhaps sarcastically  made his iconic oh no face. then knocked the rest of the articles off his given desk.

Hunt – Ever the pro, Hunt talked about what an honor it would be to work with Brandon Lee, and that she looked forward to the opportunity should it ever arise.

Kinnear – He kept mumbling something about how he should’ve said yes to Birdman

Gooding Jr. – The most stoic response, in that he didn’t speak. When we went to claim the packet of reviews it had gone missing, with Cuba only shrugging when asked about its whereabouts.

Test 2 – Milk

Next we raised the acidity level by introducing milk. We set out a glass of milk with a tear dropper to administer droplets.

Culkin – First flippantly asking if we “Think I’m a Cat Bro?” Culkins attitude soon changed after the milk droplets were administered and his hand turned a sort of sea green. He repeated his iconic visage once again though this seemed to be in earnest

Hunt – She repeatedly suggested that the producer of this milk was the best she had ever worked with, including the Twister cow.

Kinnear – Asked if we thought the Academy would pay attention to a script about a down on his luck dairy farmer

Gooding Jr.- Again when approached to administer the test we found Mr. Gooding Jr’s glass empty. While he was responseless we did notice a thin white mustache like formation above his upper lip.

Test 3 – Battery Acid

We couldn’t figure out how to extract the acid from the batteries (D cells) so we settled for lobbing them at our panel

Culkin – Still concerned about his gross hand, he tried to dodge the best he could. He kept shouting something about needing to get to the ER

Hunt – She took every battery with a malaise that frankly made us here at The Superb uncomfortable. Then said “Sometimes that’s what it is for a woman in this business” We all promptly called our mothers.

Kinnear – Started pitching an Energizer biopic to us. We stressed that we could not greenlight anything. Kinnear insisted we had to know at least the Hulu guys.

Gooding Jr. – Again saying nothing, Cuba caught every battery hurled at him. Curiously upon catching one he would rush his hand over his mouth. Again we were unable to retrieve our batteries.

Test 4 – Sulfuric Acid

Similar to the milk test; for brevity we’ve compiled the first three responses.

Culkin, Hunt, Kinnear – OWWWWIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

Gooding Jr. – Stoic as always Cuba again had nothing in his beaker when approached. He did provide us however with a hearty belch.

And so our panel exited the test nary worse off than they started. Diamond these individuals are not only in value, but in indomitableness of spirit and body. Truly an example we should all strive to follow. Those of the Hollywood Elite. Culkin did pass out for 37 minutes and woke in a sweat clammering about some coming evil or something. Absolutely marvelous. Lesser folks, non on-screenies if you will, would crumble entirely when subjected to this very scientific yet distressing trial. Not these four. May we always be thankful for our On-Screenies and seek to shower them with tiny kisses.

 

 

 

 

The Superb Presents: Where is Ronald McDonald – Part 3

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Catch up on Where is Ronald McDonald? Part 2

Chapter 3: A State

There I stood, in the middle of a restaurant in Santa Martinez that I knew somehow to be both an Indian and Thai restaurant simultaneously in the same space and time, with a cellphone in my hand and not a clue of who to call. No name, no number.

Where the feeling of recognition would spark in my head, a mild rush of dopamine as a reward of being a good boy and using my power of recollection, there was now a dull pressure, like that of a sinus headache preceding a low pressure system or as if someone had removed part of my brain and replaced it with cotton.

In the next 2 hours, I would find that both of these thoughts were fairly accurate as to what was actually happening to me.

The phone in my hand vibrated, followed by an unmistakable melody: the “I’m loving it” jingle that McDonald’s reportedly paid Justin Timberlake six million dollars to sing. The phone was ringing. I looked at the screen. It was blank. Without hesitation, I answered.

The Superb: “Hello?” 

Caller: (the same cavernous background was present in this call) “…Yessssssah”

The Superb: “What am I looking for?”

Caller: “….” (sounds of chains rattling)

The Superb: “What is the point of this? I know you know.”

Caller: “…what are you doing?”

The Superb: “What do you mean? Why am I here in California? Is that..”

Caller: “NO.” (in this moment, the reverb on the other end of the phone coalesced like water into a drain for one moment of clarity as he spoke this phrase. He screamed while not screaming). I’m not talking to you. There is another.

The Superb: “Another person in the room with you?”

Caller: “…746 Holly Dr. Come…on….innnnnnnnnnnn.” (caller hangs up phone)

I pried the phone away from my ear, my arm completely petrified to the side of my head. As it dropped past my shoulder, the sounds of the restaurant began to seep back into my consciousness. I took a moment to collect myself and handed the phone back to the man behind the counter.

“Done already?” he said as he looked at me completely befuddled.

“Yes…thank you. Would you happen to know where 746 Holly Drive?”, I said.

In that moment, it was as if someone flipped a switch somewhere behind the scenes. Everything became very….automated. The man’s pupils dilated and his movement became extremely precise. He left his position behind the counter and walked towards the door.

“Follow me and I will take you to….746 Holly Drive.” he said in a voice that was absolutely not his own. At that moment, every person in the restaurant, customer and kitchen staff alike, stood and walked behind us toward the door as if they were on a rail. We exited the restaurant and a moped rode up by itself, balancing perfectly and stopping on a dime in front of us. The man swung his back end completely upwards and planted it on the motorcycle as if he was a poorly animated character in a mid-2000’s video game. His face looked like a husk with black fires burning in the eye sockets. “Hey come on aboard now come on aboard now com-“. His head twitched to the side and the black fire splashed from his eyes and onto the pavement. It burnt a hole in the pavement to reveal a shimmering prism below the road.

At this point, I had enough of my presence of mind back to realize that none of this was grounded in the reality I had spent 29 years in. But now I was on the track too, and there was only one destination on this rail. I hopped on the bike with him and gripped onto his greasy red t-shirt. The customers and restaurant workers lined up in front of us in the street in three row. Raising their arms in the air, the two outer rows bent unnaturally at the waist sideways towards the middle row, who had flipped themselves upside down standing on their necks with their faces staring at us, spreading their legs apart to meet the arms of the outer rows. They were forming double arches.

“YOUR DISPLAY IS SHAMEFUL. PREPARE OF RELEASE.” My driver rev’d the engine, shifted into gear, and barreled through the middle row, leaving a trail of broken and bloody meat. As we roared down the street, I turned in time to see one of the chefs quickly shoveling the roadkill inside the restaurant.

“NOW WE ARE ON TARGET.” he bellowed as we took a sharp turn. Something felt like it had clicked inside my head.

 

To be continued…

 

VILLAGERS: COACH JIMBO

coach-jimbo

Why do you want to know my leg strength?”

Profile: Typical Florida Man

Height: 5’11”

Body Type: Reminiscent of William H Macy

Memorable quotes: “I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season; put some money on the cubbies”/// “Orangeade beats Gatorade any day of the week”///”If we win, we’re stealing the other team’s mascot”

Profession: Herbalife salesman turned baseball coach

Leg strength:<<<no data available>>>

Story: Coach Jimbo sure knows how to motivate some athletes. His success is a testament to how far you can go as a coach without knowing anything about sports. His pre game pep talks and questionable ethics have helped him take several middle school and minor league teams to the crescendo of their careers. Although having little interest in athletics and no prior experience, when the Madison county middle school soccer team needed a new coach, Jimbo responded. Remarkably, he led them to a perfect season. There was a lot of speculation regarding how he did it. Several sources saw him passing out partially unwrapped fun size snickers to the opposing team before some of their games. Some have accused him of drugging them with non-non-drowsy children’s benadryl to slow them down, but Jimbo claims that the snickers were fully sealed and un-tampered with. Regardless, he certainly made a name for himself among local middle school sports fans and soccer moms alike.

Soon afterwards, his career received a major boost when he was called in to coach the AA league Montgomery Biscuits. He had a loose understanding of the rules of baseball prior to this, but after watching Sandlot, the Rookie, and Angels in the Outfield, he got a pretty good handle on it. Of course, you can always count on Jimbo to use some unconventional coaching methods, and his stent with the Biscuits was no exception. early in the season, he began applying a rubber compound to the bottom of the players’ cleats that would supposedly make them run faster (He had also watched the movie Flubber). Analysts remain doubtful as to the possibility that this method had any effect, but Jimbo had another successful season and said he couldn’t have done it without Robin Williams.

Jimbo recently arrived in the village and is making efforts to start a new Triple-A league baseball team. However, limited internet connectivity has made communication with the commissioner difficult. He has also found it a challenge to recruit players from nearby settlements as many have cited concerns about the activity of the beasts. Jimbo remains undeterred: “We just need to go talk to James Earl Jones and ‘the beast’ will leave us alone.” Godspeed Coach Jimbo.

2 Chainz Goes Shopping

Image result for 2 chainz

 

2 Chainz stared in amazement.

“We can tell you like what you see” the worker chirped enthusiastically

Chainz snorted. “See”. This was an experience, not limited to mere sight. Never had a thing tickled every sense the way this one small item was doing currently. Never in all his journeys,  various dalliances, or meticulous decadence hunting had he happened on anything that assaulted his pleasure center the way this artifact of happiness was right now. He could smell vanilla. Chainz had never been happier he walked into a Claires.

.

 

 

A Guy Gets a Package

He was the most excited he’d been in ages. The sun seemed brighter. He grabbed the package off his doorstep. It was finally here. He couldn’t run fast enough to his kitchen table. His box cutter already there. It had been waiting there for six to eight weeks. He opened the box. He pulled out it’s contents carefully. He ran his hand over the plastic casing. Finally his collection was complete. This had been the hardest one to get. So many botched attempts, but now it was his. All his. He opened the case…”Noooo” he cried out. He shook the casing in disbelief. Nothing came out. Nothing was there. He buried his hands in his face and wept. It was empty. His fourth season DVD case of Moesha was empty. Outside he could hear rain.